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This weekend was the big Cub Scout camping trip back in the woods behind my house. They are trying to teach little kids survival skills. The mothers were really proud of the boys I'm sure, over half of the children succeeded in their mission (survival). Some of them didn't though. Like little Mickey McGee. Poor bastard fell off the cliffs when Bruce threw a rock at him and his little gay friends. If you ever wanna be an Eagle Scout, you gotta learn to dodge the rocks AND keep your balance. He couldn't do either. But I guess it's good to cut the fat from the troop every now and then. It helps the other scouts in the long run. Mickey was just holding those fuckers back. Then there was little Jeff Thompson. He got bit by a poisonous snake that I put in his tent. It was a damn shame. A DAMN shame. That kid was foaming at the mouth and everything. Here I am trying to help these kids learn to survive and they're picking their nose and playing pokemon in the woods. I also brought some extra surprises to keep the kids on their toes. Like Butch, the guard dog from down at the dump. He bites everyone. He bit the mayor once, right in the face [create mental picture for full joke-effect. See it? The mayor getting bit in the face? Heheh.. That's funny...] That was back when I brought him to the town hall last year because the mayor said some bad shit about Malcolm & Eddie, and that's my favorite show. That son of a bitch! That damn son of a bitch... That's alright. I disabled the brakes in his wife's car. For Malcolm and Eddie. It's what they would have wanted. I heard she went off a bridge into the Tri-County River. They never found her car. Ever. Or they might of, I don't watch the news. But if they did, I didn't hear about it. Ever. That one's for you Malcolm and Eddie. And the rest of the UPN Crew. Even you Judge Judy; you're the boss, applesauce...
In my town we have these caves. Nobody knows where they go. There's lots of different theories. Most people believe they are inhabited by cannibals. Cannibals that EAT PEOPLE. The kids all have their different stories, like the time the dirty man came down from the woods with balloons and stole all the children and sold them to Kathy Lee. Some people say there's a 24-hour Ho-Down going on; it's just so much fun nobody has EVER LEFT. A cow came walking out once, but THAT IS IT. And he went back in after he relieved himself. Some say the cow had no affiliation at all with the ho-down. It was actually the Cave-Keeper-Cow that spends his days eating the cave grass that only grows a mile deep. It's makes him all tipsy they say. That's why he never comes out. Except for that one time of course. I personally think the caves lead to an underground river that will take you to the Village of Dreams, where the midgets run free and the Special Olympics are TELEVISED all year round. I went to the Special Olympics once. All the spots were handicapped, I had to park a mile away. I got to watch most of the events. I held up a sign that said "DON'T TRIP" But it didn't work. Most of them still did. I also got Corky's autograph. He won the Goblin-Hunt event. Go Corky!! 13 goblins. A world record. They were all winners in my book though. Even Googly-Eyes. GO GOOGLY-EYES!! You did it!
Robot Ron is nowhere to be seen. He was sent to Canada for being a dumb bastard last week, I haven't heard from him since. I have however heard from his stupid-ass friend, Sea Cap'n Deadbeard. He tries to sneak into the garage at night. He makes a lot of noise. I saw his dumb face look in my window; he was making a sneaky face. During the day he always comes around and hangs out in the driveway (like him and Robot Ron would always do) while I'm mowing the lawn and stuff. He says stuff like "Arg. Mowing the lawn, aye matey?!" I'm like "No shit you dumb fuck. What the hell are you doing here?" Then he looks around like something else just caught his attention. When he looks back he acts like he forgot what we were talking about... He's bringing down the property value. He really sucks. Except for one time, when I told him to sneak into Bob G's house (my neighbor, Kenny G's brother) and steal all their children's toys. I wanted to ruin somebody's day. He actually did, he threw them all in the road. He made a big production out of it, kicking the toys around and singing songs. I think he's gay. I bet the kids were real upset when they got home, no toys and all. That's pretty funny, Bob G sucks. His kids are ugly.
So now I have this bastard pirate hanging around the yard. He fell into this kitty-pool the family keeps in the frontyard. He seemed pretty afraid of the water, for a pirate. I'm getting real tired of him. Robot Ron better get home soon. This dude sucks.
Today I had to ride the bus down in town. I sat next to a door to door salesman. Every time he tried to talk I was like "Save it, buddy. I got three Super-Mops at home, ass." Then he would look down and not try to talk again for 10 minutes. Right before my stop he started doing a demonstration in the aisle, he poured peanut butter and pickle juice all over the floor. The bus driver nearly shit a brick. The Super Mop only got up like half of it. Some old lady slipped and broke her hip. At least I'm assuming she broke her hip, they all do. There was a big fat black guy across the aisle from me. He was snacking on a large pizza. The bus driver had to stop short at one point and the dude dropped a slice. When he got off the bus he said to the driver "When you get off work, I'll be waiting for you!" Then he made a fist and cracked all his knuckles. Loud enough to make the bus driver make the "gulp" noise. He had this furious look on his face... but it quickly turned to a bright shining smile when he realized there was a Pizza Hut on the corner at the bus stop. He quickly turned around and ran in, knocking over some kids trading pokemon dinette sets and VCR repair kits, the coolest shit to have if you're a ten year old. You're loser if you don't.
There's nothing that pisses me off more than dumb little kids running up to me and hugging me and crap. Like I fuckin' work at Disney world or something. Everyday this happens. Sometimes when I go out, I carry big globs of toothpaste in my hands. Then when some dumb snot-nosed kid runs up to me and hugs me, I act like I'm hugging them back, but I'm actually smearing toothpaste into their hair. They don't notice until long after they see me. Probably like a half and hour later or so, I bet their mom's find it. By the time that happens, everyone forgot about nice Mr. Robot. What robot puts toothpaste into kids hair? The mothers just assume their kids are dumb fucks that don't know what the hell they're doing. I hope they hit them.
Robot Ron's in a lot of trouble. They found a few grenades hidden under his bed down at the fire house where he lives. There was a pile of like 3 or 4, and two rocks shaped kind of like grenades. He told the police he found them on the side of the road. He kept saying he didn't blow up anything yesterday. He was at the mall fighting crime all day he said (I think he was trying to get on the police's good side. His mental tricks are easy to see through.) I think they deported him to Canada. He's probably walking around lost. I'm sure he'll be all right. He can probably get a job as an ice fisher or hockey player or something.
I got myself a new car the other day. Picked it up at the junkyard for $100. It has no brakes or headlights, but you only need those at night anyway, if you suck at driving. Last night I took the car out for a cruise at the park. The kids were playing soccer on the field, but I wanted to do donuts, so they had to clear out. I spent most of today following around this ice cream truck. He was pretty scared, had the truck up to at least 90 on Amber Rd. Apparently he wasn't watching what he was doing because he ran over all the kids waiting for him at the ice cream stop. I saw him trying to hand out free ice cream treats to everyone (because I guess he figured that would be a good way to make up for killing the children), but all the Super Mario Bars in the world aren't going to bring back little Timmy. He was finally going to get out of that wheelchair and walk again, or at least thats the "happy announcement" he was talking about so much last week (because he believed in his dreams, he said). I guess that day will never come now. But look at the bright side. Shiney NEW wheelchairs for all his little friends. Or the ones that are going to make it rather. Maybe they can get those new clear plastic colored wheelchairs, the ones that look like the IMAC. Those colors are so damn hip.
I was walking around the streets today stomping out potholes, when I came across this dirty man sleeping on a bench. Apparently he didn't have a home. I asked him what happened? Lose your brains in the war? He said no, he just forgot where his house is. I told him to describe it to me. He said it was big and blue, had a tree in the front... Then I realized, that's the house next-door to me. Bob G. has been living in it for years, that bastard. So we went back and kicked Bob G's ass. I gave that dude his keys. He locked Bob out, that house stealing son of a bitch. I chased him away, he's probably hiding in the back seat of his Explorer, or maybe under his deck. One time I kicked his ass and he hid under there for a week. I thought he moved away, but then I heard the sweet soothing sounds of that Triangle he's always playing, I knew he was under the deck. I dragged him out and punched his face for being such a wuss. This new guy living in Bob's house seems pretty cool. I introduced him to Robot Ron a few hours ago. Ron recognized him on first sight. He used to be the Malcolm Jamal Warner Fan Club President, back in the day. Robot Ron attended all the meetings. He even got to meet the Cos once, on the set of one of the Jell-O pudding pop jiggler commercials where the Cos is all like "Oooh! Ooooh! Oooo" making those crazy faces we all know and love. Except Robot Ron said jigglers suck, so he got kicked out. Cosby is a jiggler nazi, but you didn't hear it from me.
I had to get another job. I'm now the official assistant manager of the West Milton McDonalds. The finest fuckin' establishment in all of West Milton. Over 1 billion served. We're so good, one day we all closed up early, walked over to Burger King and beat the shit out of every son of a bitch that worked there. I dunked some poor bastard's head into the deep fryer, then kicked him through the drive-thru window onto some fat lady's lap. She got pissed because she needed her hamburgers, so she kicked his ass too (then pulled a sandwich out of her pocket and drove away). Yesterday at McDonalds I got stuck working the drive-thru window.. Some lady pulled up and asked what kind of meat we use in the #14 Meal. I thought it was lobster... Bridget (the bimbo that works register 2 and sleeps with everyone she meets) said that it was chicken or fish. I wasn't sure so I told the lady it was turtle. She said "Oooh, exotic." "You bet. Only the best from McDonalds ma'am." One time some bitch asked me what's in the McFish Fillet. I was like "Well, you got some fillet... McFillet rather. And some fish, definitely some fish in there..." She said I shouldn't be a wise-ass, but I said "Yes I should. Bitch." I didn't really call her a bitch, but I thought it in my head. Actually... I don't really work at McDonalds. I just made all that crap up. Bitch.