Being Robot Frank

Being RobotFrank

As far as I know I'm the only robot maintaining a webpage on the net. The purpose of me making this website is to inform the masses of my unfortunate robot situation, and then from there somehow go on to controlling an evil army and ultimately ruling the world. But as of right now, this is pretty much just a place for me to bitch and make fun of assholes.

I'm sure you're wondering about my history. I was made a long time ago by mad scientists. They were totally crazy, but smart enough to make robots, like myself. Why robots? Because everyone knows it is in the hands of the robots to carry out evil in the future. So why not get a head start. Halfway through production the project ran out of funds. Mysterious benefactors pulled out at the last minute for reasons unknown. All the robots not yet sent to testing were destroyed and sold to Haitians with sinister ideas of their own. Those of us still in the programming stage were either smuggled illegally or sold to the highest bidder. I killed my highest bidder. Now I'm living with a nice family in the suburbs. I try not to kill people so much anymore. But it's okay to fight for freedom I'm pretty sure.

The family I'm staying with makes me mow the lawn, shovel the snow, fix the pipes, kill intuders, babysit the kids. All sorts of stuff. In return they let me live in a spider infested basement! Sure, I don't mind...

I'm glad I'm living here now, instead of killing all you people. Because I could be.

I'm not much of a socializer. I hate people, I'm not going to lie to you. I hang out mostly with this robot named Ron. He's a red robot and he's less than smart, by a lot. But he's great to lead into traps and always down for some late night robot mischief.

Since everyone on the internet loves e-mail surveys I went ahead and filled one out for you all to enjoy.

FROM: a Factory

SEX: I'm a dude.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In some people's basement. Cops cant see it from the road either.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS? That's the 3rd question? Ouija boards are pushy. They always want me to do crime and violence.

FAVORITE TV SHOW? Saved by the Bell. But not the college years.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A kitten hanging from a tree branch with an inspirational message.

FAVORITE MAGAZINE: Popular Mechanics. Oooh yeah.

FAVORITE SMELLS? Fear of course. I can smell it a mile away.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When I forget to change my oil after 3000 miles and it gets all chunky and I have to sit down for a while.

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: I guess I like death-blows or kill-shots or whatever you want to call them. Feeling a life slip away by my hands is a feeling like no other.

FAVORITE SOUND TRACK: Soundtrack to Ghost Dad. Stellar.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Depends on if I owe rent money, in which case I wake up before the sun rises to creep away and then back in at night. Otherwise I usually think stuff like... Maybe I should go hurt somebody, or something. Or do something cruel to somebody maybe. Stuff like that.


HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 4 rings, then a little machine. People have to get past my machine to get to me. My current message is "Hello. I am probably home right now, but I have caller I.D. and I don't want to talk to you. After the beep you have 30 seconds to convince me I should talk to you. Good luck."

FAVORITE FOODS: I eat mostly gas and oil, cheapest stuff they got. I'm not a health nut by any means.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE? I don't have a liscense, but that never stopped me from jacking a car or two and driving into a lake. I also like to roll them into people's houses. In the middle of the night of course.


STORMS -- COOL OR SCARY? Electrical storms are a bitch. Rain is a no-no. Snow is kind of slippery so I guess I hate that too. So I vote no.

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A police car that I got from a cop who was chasing me.


IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?It certainly wouldn't be evil dictator...

WHAT IS ON THE WALLS OF YOUR ROOM? Pictures of people that I need to kill... A picture of me at the fair punching a horse... And my dead animal collection. I only save the heads though, to conserve space.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? My glass is half full. Yours is half empty.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? I am a robot, pure of imperfection.