HOME- PHOTO ALBUM-DIARY
I went to the park today. The kids were having a little league game. Those are the best, I like to sit on the bleachers and yell at the kids. When the pitcher gets the ball I always yell things like "Throw it at his head!" One time the pitcher actually did hit a kid in the head, so I yelled "Good job, you did it!! Just like you said you would!!" I think he got kicked out of little leauge. He denied ever saying he planned on doing that but I told the manager he's crazyand he always talks about killing things because nobody understands him.
Today there was a big fundraiser convention down at the local college. All the big fundraisers came in from all over the country and set up booths asking for donations. I set up a booth too. My foundation was the "Make My Friend Smart Again" foundation and I had Robot Ron walk around behind me acting stupid (Well, it wasnt really "acting.") I had him scream phrases like "I STOLE ALL THE PIZZAS AND I DUG ALL THE HOLES TOO!" and "I'M GOING TO BREAK THE CEILING DOWN IN TWENTY MINUTES!!" I made a big sign that said "My friend lost his mind in the war. Now he is a retard. Please help." We collected $4,320.94. Now I don't need to get a job again for at least a month. One man asked what happened to Ron in the war. I said he wandered off and came back acting like a retard, yelling some crap about feeding dolphins because they are so hungry and they are crying in the night. That is actually one of Ron's favorite things to complain about… Helping the dolphins. Even though he stole the donation can from the "Save The Dolphins" table. I stole the donation cans from a couple tables myself. Some charities being "Fight Hunger in Afghanistan," "Race for The Cure: Babies with Cancer," and the "Electricity for Canada Foundation." Sorry Canada. No luck this year. Not in my town at least.
There's a garage sale going on down the street. They are selling all of their crap that they don't want, as if I want their second hand trash. I like to give them a hard time about it… Like when there was a lot of people shopping today, I yelled "You think this stuff is no longer good enough for you so you try to sell it to us!? Oh gee! I'm worthy of the Miller's garbage! Thanks a lot! Hey everyone, we are all worthy of the Miller's old trash!! Hoard it all, maybe someday you will be worthy of the stuff they still grace with their use!" Garage sales are also the best for doing things you normally wouldn't do in stores. Like breaking things and then not paying for them. I broke this old alarm clock by accident when I threw it at some really old man that was having trouble standing. Then some guy, a total stranger who had nothing to do with it, attacked me. I fended him off with an ironing board, which I also didn't pay for after damaging. I then went around back and threw rocks through their windows and dumped their garbage into the pool. I didn't pay for anything, it was the best. I can't wait for more of my neighbors to have tag sales. I usually like to break into my neighbors houses and steal lots of things, like valuable things. Then I put price tags on all of it and bring it to somebody else's tag sale down the road. 3 people have moved so far, at least two noses have been broken, and 8 police officers have visited my street as a result of property disputes.
I went on a job interview today. I applied for the job of Paint Mixer down at the paint factory. He asked me all sorts of questions. I bullshitted the best I could. I told him that ever since I was a young robot I dreamed of mixing the yellows and the blues and hopefully getting the purples. And I told him that I would be a fine paint mixer because I used to work for a different paint mixing company (which is a lie) and that it was my idea to put the little flammable logo on the paint cans. And that it was my idea to sell paint in cans because they used to sell it in eggs, like pantyhose (I made that up too.) He didn't sound convinced that I was right for the position, so I said "Listen sir, when you've been mixing paint as long as me you learn a few things. You learn who to trust and who to throw into the paint. You learn what colors are pretty. You learn a real lot sir. That's why I'm right for this job." He probably wont call me back. I think he might have saw me dunking this guys head into the blue paint while I was waiting outside his office for the interview. And he caught me steal some brown paint, run into the bathroom and paint shit stains all over the walls. He was so mad because I wouldn't clean it up and I kept yelling "You made a mess on the walls! Stinky messer!" And I told all of the employees to go check out what he did. I hope he calls me back later. I need a job.
Robot Ron and I got a job at the amusement park. I'm quitting this weekend though. I work at one of those game booths, the one where you have to throw the darts at the balloons. I like to make fun of the people who cant pop the balloons. Especially when its a guy trying to win his girlfriend a prize. I like to say things like "Well, looks like your boyfriend is a real loser. Ain't that right Mr. Throws Like a Girl?" The best is when the boyfriend hops over and tries to fight me, so I get to beat him down right in front of his girlfriend... They give me a real shitload of darts in that booth. Sometimes when business is slow I like to throw the darts out towards the people on line for the roller-coaster. One time I hit a pregnant lady. I would have felt bad, but she shouldn't have been on line for the roller coaster anyway, there's a sign. Robot Ron works in the "House of Hell." His job is to scare the kids. I asked him what he does to scare them, he said he jumps out of the dark and punches the people's faces. Sometimes he likes to pick up the car and throw it into the wall, or just put it into a dark corner and leave it there for a few hours, returning only to punch the faces every once in a while.
Robot Ron decided he's going to try to take over the world. He thinks he'll have no trouble with this because he's a robot, and taking over the world is what robots do best. So far the plan is to build an army of "mean robots." My friend Bruce is in on the plan too. Bruce said he wants to own the world and make sweeping changes.. He didn't say what they were, but I'm pretty sure it's going to have something to do with "rock & roll." So far I don't think Ron has finished building any robots. I've seen his attempts... Like I saw him gluing some plastic eyes onto a blender this morning. I'm not sure how much further he's gotten with that "robot." Then I saw he made some metal box contraption and he put it over Bruce's dog's head. But that's still not a robot, that's just a dog with a steel box on its head. Probably less efficient than a normal dog... In terms of taking over the world. A couple hours ago I saw Ron spray painting the neighbor's cat chrome. I think he glued some red eyes onto it also. Ron has names for all of his robots too. Like the blender I think he said was named "Blender-Killer-Bot" and the dog's new name is "Attacker Face-Biter Dog-Bot" which he shortened from "Attacker Face-Biter Dog-Bot 4921194." He thought by putting some numbers onto the end it made him sound smart, but I explained to him nothing will make him sound smart.
Me and Ron went shopping at Wal-Mart today. They actually banned us both from that place two months ago when I tried to see how many shopping carts I could throw onto the roof, but they let us in today. I was shopping for toilet paper because it's Friday and I like to TP the town hall every Friday night. Ron ended up buying a shotgun. I can't believe they sold it to him. The man behind the counter asked him what he was going to use it for. He said he was going to use it for killing chickens and monster-beasts. He knew he had to have a reason to buy a gun. That was the best he could come up with. And it worked. I guess the guy who works there knows all about the monster-beast problem our town has been having. That, or he doesn't get paid enough to give a shit what people do with the guns. Right now Ron is running up and down the street shooting things. From the sounds of it he's shot a lot of things... I ended up buying thirty-seven orange cones, the kind the construction workers use. Right now half of the roads in my town are closed. I'm going to go close the rest of them in a little while.
It's almost Easter. Robot Ron loves Easter. Every year he hits every Easter Egg Hunt in town. He doesn't let any kids get any eggs, it's really funny. Like if he sees a kid going for an egg he had his eye on, he'll drop his basket and ram the kid into a tree. I don't even think he has fun at the easter egg hunts, he takes it so seriously. I've seen the kids at the hunts, they all look like they are having a good time. Not Ron though. He's pissed. Nothing gets him as determined as hunting for easter eggs. If you look at the ground after Ron completes an easter egg hunt its like a bloody battlefield with very few survivors. Bodies are scattered everywhere. Last year the town had its biggest hunt ever. There was 2000 eggs on the field. Ron managed to collect 1997. He bitched for weeks about the other 3. I told him they probably miscounted, but he just wouldn't shut up. He just went on and on about this one kid he thought he saw hide a few eggs in his pants and how if he ever sees that kid again he'll grind his bones to make his bread or something like that. That's one of his favorite sayings. I don't even think he knows how to make bread, let alone turn on an oven. I'm not sure if he believes in the Easter Bunny or not… I remember when he first found out that there was a tooth fairy and it leaves you money. For years there wasn't a kid on the block with a perfect smile.
We got new garbage men. The garbage men in my neighborhood always quit. I hate them all anyway, they always complain about me. So I happen to throw out more rocks and boulders than most people. I remember when my dog Jerome died. I didn't feel like burying him because I'm lazy like that, so I threw him into the garbage can… Only Jerome was a big dog, so he didn't quite fit. The garbage man tried to dump him into the truck but he fell onto the road, so the garbage man was trying to pick him up by his legs and toss him into the back. He couldn't do it so he just left Jerome next to the empty cans. I tried to throw that dog out for three weeks straight. By the fourth week I got tired of trying so I put him in my neighbors garbage, let them worry about it. Last I saw Jerome he was at the house across the street with a pink bow on his head. Those people have some sick kids.
I went on a tour of The Empire State building yesterday. They give tours now... Don't go though, they suck. They took me and like 7 old people up an elevator to the top. It was a really long ride. I tried to break the ice in the elevator by engaging in conversation, so I was asking the tour guide if its alright for all these old people to be going up this high in an elevator. I told him that I thought things like this usually kill old people because they have weak hearts and brittle bones. One old man was offended so I told him that if somebody does end up dying, I now know who I'm hoping for it to be. There was also a business man on the tour. I told him I was very good at business and if he ever needed any advice, like about business, I don't want to help him because I keep all my secrets to myself. I also told him that I heard a lot of business men get very stressed out over their business and jump off the roofs of tall buildings. I asked him if that's why he was going to the top. He said no. Then I told him that if he were to jump off a roof this would be a fine choice of a building to jump off of. When we finally did get to the top I kept my eye on that guy. When nobody was looking I whispered to him "Nobody is watching, now would be a good time to jump." He told me he wasn't going to jump off the roof, so I said "But I've never seen anyone jump off a roof, c'mon man." After 20 minutes of bugging him he finally jumped. Only I wasn't paying attention so I missed it.
I need a vacation… I haven't gone on a vacation in so long. I don't really care for the popular vacation spots… I have no need for beaches and sunny weather. I have a lot more fun throwing rocks and explosives in small war-torn nations. I always watch the news and see these people throwing crap at each other in the streets and police beating people down with mallets. Those people know how to keep themselves entertained. I can just imagine what family life must be like. "Now you go to school Suzy, I am going to go the market to steal stale bread for us to eat and Daddy is going to throw rocks at people in the streets because that is how you make the wrong things right. Try to hit them in the head dear." "I will Jane. I will."