Scott Baio, Ralph Macchio, Steve Guttenberg: Hollywood's Shooting Stars

I have never sat through Charles in Charge.

Continuing anyway...

Charles in Charge. Oh that was a show. Ummm.. Okay I'm sorry I can't think of anything positive and truthful at the same time. I saw a few half episodes I think, and I don't remember all too much so, that's the best I can say about it.

What was Charles in Charge of? I think maybe 4 or 5 kid's. Alright that sounds exciting. No wonder I never watched it. And he had a butt buddy too... Many people are saying that I should mention Charles' little friend, Buddy. But I won't because he sucks. As much as Charles? No way. Not humanly possible. But he still sucked more than you or I ever will. And I don't even know who you are... I think there was an old man on Charles in Charge. That guy kicked ass. He should have kicked Charles' ass, for sucking. I'm glad they banned Scott Baio from television... And threw out all those old Charles in Charge tapes, nobody was watching them anyway. I heard they put Tony Danza on a CBS show recently. This should be excellent news for Scott Baio, knowing they are giving guys like that jobs again.

Some people might like Scott Baio because he's Chachi, but I doubt it. I also saw Charles in Charge in some special video they showed us in high school health class. He was a diver and I don't remember what his problem was... Maybe he was gay, or had hemroids, or had AIDS. It could have been one of any health topics, but it sucked (of course.) Video days used to be cool back in high school, but not when they show you fucking Scott Baio. I don't welcome him in my house and I certainly don't want him to teach me valuable life lessons. I'd sooner go about things the wrong way than follow a lesson taught to me by him. I'm gonna drink those beers and I'm gonna take my car for a spin. What do you think of THAT, Charles?

Ralph Macchio didn't suck nearly as much as Scott Baio, but he did get himself kicked out of Hollywood, like Charles; left at the mercy of asshole "fan page" makers like myself who are RUTHLESS (and relentless in their mission to point out all that which does suck.) Ralph Macchio, my friends, sucks. Granted I can tolerate (maybe even enjoy) The Karate Kid, but what is he up to now? If he put out a movie today, would I go see it? I'd rather sit through THREE Winona Rider movies. THREE. And I'm talking about her current ones... Not the ones before she signed a chick-flick-only contract with the devil. ...Although that new one she did with Richard Gere, that one was lovely.. I forget what it was called. Something like Autumn In New York City or something like that; I don't know.. but it was great. That movie aside, her movies suck. And yes I was lying about that movie of course, I'd rather shoot myself than see that Richard Gere fag-fest. I hope you didn't believe me. Richard Gere should be shot. And I also want Julia Roberts burned at the stake.

We Interrupt this Ralph Macchio report for an even specialer report on:

Midgets! (of course)

Midgets are more rare then we are lead to believe, folks. We think they commonly walk among us, like everyday people, which is only half true. The truth is, about 75% of midgets move to Hollywood upon birth, because that is where the money is for them. You would think it is in the circus, but far too many midgets have been fed to the lions and bears so they are told to stay away. Midgets are the world's natural entertainment, it's a fact of nature, according to all true scientists and mathematicians. I personally think there are only 50-60 midgets in existence. (A result of poaching, which there are now laws against, as of 1974.) Spotting a midget is rare, except for in the hills of Hollywood, where they have their caverns and secret cubby holes burrowed in the mountain side. Should you spot one, knock him over the head with a mallet and put him in a sack. People are willing to pay big bucks for one Ebay. That is how I made my millions.

Thank you for your time. Now back to... Oh man! Not Ralph Macchio...

"It has STRONG ROOT, like you Daniel San". Ralph Macchio was kinda cool in My Cousin Vinny. He's actually an alright dude, kinda, I just don't want to see him in anything else ever again. I don't remember anything terrible that he did, but I just know if he did something now, it would be god awful, so that makes him worthy of making a website about how he sucks. He's lucky though; no more movies for him. His time has passed... But there's bigger fish to fry... Like Steve Guttenberg.

Steve Guttenberg sucks the worst. Anything he is in I refuse to watch. The biggest thing he has to his name to is all those damn Police Academy movies, everything else I can't even remember really. Oh wait, he was in an Olsen Twins movie I remember. I was flipping through the channels and I saw it on, I puked all over myself. That's how I remember. He was also in one of those Air Bud movies I think. Not positive though. Something dumb and involving kids and soccer, but the point I'm trying to make is it sucked. He wasn't in Flipper... That was Crocodile Dundee, making his triumphant Hollywood return, but he was in some other Dolphin movie. It was terrible, that's why I never saw it. And because Steve Guttenberg was in it. (Just stating the obvious.)

While looking for incriminating things on Steve Guttenberg, I came across this fanstastic qoute from a fan:

"Steve has a huge fan base world wide. who ever i asked about steve guttenberg seem to like him. Everybody agrees he is a really good actor and fine looking person.Many popular heroes today have as many critics as fans. But with steve,i rarely find anybody criticising him or his films.And most of the people are disappointed with the delay of his new release.

'WHAT HAPPENS NEXT DOES'NT MATTER, HE IS ALREADY A CHAMPION'"

If you ever see Steve Guttenberg on the streets, throw some mud or litter at him or spit on him or something. And tell him he is worthless, because he needs to be reminded everyday. I'm so god damn sick of seeing crap like him on my TV. Steve Guttenberg, you suck more than Tony Danza. You're like Bob Sagget but much, much worse.. That's all I can think to say about you, any more memories of you conjured up and I'll have to puke. ...Oh shit I gotta go... Damn too late. Thanks again, Steve.

Todays Lesson:
TV + Guttenberg = Vomit

I leave you with a post by "David" on the official Steve Guttenberg message board at SteveGuttenberg.com:

"Steve I am just writing this message to say you are the shit. But you need to get back in the business with a recognizable film. Come on Gutt I know you can do it. Just please don't make another movie with the Olsen twins or dolphins. You are way better than that. Well anyway good luck and reply soon."

I'm sure he replied that night.