Balki is my favorite, everyone.                                                                                 

I just can no longer contain my admiration for the fine acting of Bronson Pinchot as the ever-so-lovable Balki Bartokomous. I'm not bullshitting you here kids, I mean normally I'm just feeding you a bunch of donky dirt but not this time, no way. Not when it comes to Balki.

"Don't be ridiculous!!"

Perfect Strangers was one of the greatest television shows of all time. Let it be set in stone (and engraved in our hearts as well). Balki knew exactly how to make us laugh like we've never laughed before; I had to go to the hospital one time because I laughed too hard and ruptured my rectum. The doctor said I was the 4th guy that week that was injured by Balki's comedic talent. Now let us now read the inspirational lyrics to this fine television program.

Balki Sing-A-Long (Theme From Perfect Strangers)

Sometimes the world is perfect
nothin' to rearrange..
Sometimes you just
get a feeling like you need some kind of change.

Standing tall
on the wings of my dreams!
Rise and fall
on the wings of my dreams!
Rain and thunder,
Wind and haze, I was bound for better days.
It's my life,
and my dream.
And nothing's gonna stop me now!

I will stand tall on the wings of my dreams, Balki. Because you are an inspiration to live and breath. My favorite part of that song is the sad part because it makes me so sad. The part about rain and thunder. I can not go on because my eyes are starting to tear from the sadness. It touches my nerves. It's almost as sad as a dying puppy, cast into the ocean. But I like how after that it part it gets happy again because things will be okay for Balki. As long as he is safe with Cousin Larry.

Now I am aware there is a chance someday Bronson Pinchot himself might be reading this, saying "I am not Balki!" But it should not be that way, because Balki is loved, and should be celebrated. If I were to ever recieve a letter of dissatisfaction from Bronson Pinchot I would feel a great sadness in my heart. I would jump off of the roof of my building if I were ever to learn Balki felt one once of sadness after reading what I have had to say about him. Because I loved Balki and I am not afraid to admit it. I sent Balki even more fan mail than I sent Alf. And Alf was pissed off at the volume of mail I sent his way. He wanted to fight me. But I said no, I am a lover not a fighter. And we made love. Sweet passionate love on the beach. Oh how I remember that one special night on the beach. I will never forget you Alf. And I'm sorry for what I said. If I could change one thing in the world it would be the things I said that night.

I saw Balki in a movie the other night. I think it was called "True Romance." He did a fine acting job (as expected.) He should do Shakespear because he is very talented and respected amongst his peers. I count as a peer right? Well regardless, I've never seen Larry Appleton in anything. Probably because he doesn't know how to act. Like, I bet he was on Perfect Strangers because his dad wrote it or something. Man what an asshole. But keeping on topic, in True Romance Bronson Pinchot played some famous actor's slave or go-getter guy or something. He had to buy the coke, it was real funny when he had coke all over him and he got pulled over by the cop. Oh boy! Don't let Cousin Larry find out! He'll kick you out of the apartment! And he won't take you to watch the Chicago Cubs lose anymore. It'll be right back to herding sheep. C'mon Balki, Don't be ridiculous!
Balki is sporting his native smelly yak skins, while Larry stands next to him looking like a dork. He just doesn't understand Balki. He's lucky for Balki, otherwise he would have no job. Now he wishes he still had his pal Balki, but you blew it!! I bet your wife left you. I sure would have. A long, long time ago.

I bought "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey" for $5 the other day. Man what a kick ass deal. Well I'm watching the video, right? And BAM, right at the beginning there's some shitty Slaughter video. It's amazing this was dubbed "good enough" to be captured on video. And then mass produced! I'm so pissed because I have to fast forward through this crap every time I want to enjoy my fine Bill and Ted video. The assface from Slaughter talks to the camera right in the middle of the song, saying retarded shit like "Oh yeah! You know it!" Did anybody ever find this cool? This is my first time ever seeing it and I want nothing more now than to punch this man in nuts, and maybe someday piss on his grave. I can only hope to god that this man is living in regret at this very moment, pacing and regretting. I'm living in regret of having seen that bullshit so he must be slitting his wrists. That, or making more stupid music and saying more stupid shit into the camera. Fuck you Slaughter. It's people like you that make people like me turn to murder.

Speaking of videos, one time Balki was in a music video on Perfect Strangers. For some reason Cousin Larry was in the video too, trying his hardest to look cool (which was much less-cool than not even trying at all. There's just no hope for Larry Appleton..) They were wearing these purple and yellow getups. Maybe a backwards bright yellow hat. It was a pretty interesting episode. At least I think. I hope I didn't just imagine that episode. I just don't understand why Larry Appleton would be in this video, what does he have to gain? Street cred with the kids? Well for one it aint gonna work. I bet he got his ass kicked by every kid in Chicago after that. What was he thinking? He was nowhere near as cool as Fresh Young Balki-B. Larry ruins everything. He ruined my Christmas and made a mockery of my Barmitzfah. I will crush his skull with my fists! This is an open challenge Larry Appleton. Steel Cage Texas Death Match. Do you got the GUTS?! I've been waiting to stomp your face in, Larry Appleton. This has been a long time in the making, Larry. Way too long.
This isn't from that episode, but this is equally as shitty and totally uncool, which is in large part due to LARRY.

"America or Bust!" Balki says. Here he is on the back of the foreigner wagon. One way trip straight to America! Notice he is carrying with him a loaf of bread, the preferred item of all foreigners.

I think Larry tried to take advantage of Balki because he was a little slow, or foreign. What a jerk. Like he tried to make Balki pick all his bets for him because he got a few right. Balki, being so naive (because he's foreign) picked the dominant animal to win football games. That crazy Balki! And that rotten Larry... That is one of the only episodes of Perfect Strangers I can remember and what stands out the most is that I hate Larry Appleton with a passion. And that I will turn to murder to solve my problems. Mainly those concerning Larry Appleton.

On the left here is Bronson Pinchot out of character. Right now you're probably saying to yourself "That's not Balki! That's some real cool dude". But you're wrong. Bronson tried to be a cool dude once, but he gave all that up when he signed on for "Meego" [pictured right]. We all hit rough times, even our friend Balki. And sometimes that means giving up all the things you believe in and even giving up on yourself. Just when everyone thought Balki might have ruined Bronson Pinchot's name, some cruel, mean man said "Let's make things worse for Bronson... Give him the starring role in MEEGO!", knowing that Bronson would not have the strength to say no. And Bronson agreed. Proving that there are even deeper depths to sink to than ever imagined... We forgive you, Balki. We will try to forget...
To help prove to you that we will not hold career errors like this against you, I am offering this custom made Pro-Balki image, free for all to take and put on their website. Wear this badge with pride, everyone. If Balki has any doubts of our devotion, this will shoot the message "Don't be ridiculous!!" straight into his heart. Rock on, Balki! You are a legend.