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12-13-99

Earlier today while I was pulling telephone poles out of the ground,I saw a man get into a big fight with his dog. He was trying to walk itapparently, and it jumped on him and started biting his head. He was screamingfor help, I don't know who he was yelling to. Besides me, there was nobodyaround. I feel kind of bad for him though because after the dog attackedhim it ran away and left him a bloody mess on the side of the road. I decidedto go home after that.

Some guy called me up today and said we need to "Save the Dolphins."I told him "Alright, I'll do it." I'm heading out to the beach tomorrow witha net and a mallet. I'm hoping to catch a few and put them into my swimmingpool, that way nobody can hurt them, and it will make for a fun time in thepool for everyone... (Except me of course, I don't go swimming, being thatI am filled with high-tech gizmos and gadgets and sprockets and all thattechnical stuff that you wouldn't understand.) I'm no dolphin saving expert,but I once caught a raccoon and kept it in the basement for three weeks.I named it "Raccoon-o." I find the best pet names are the name of the animalfollow by "-o." Raccoon-o would hide under the sofa all day, but at nightI could hear it come out to cry and scratch at the walls. I don't know whateverhappened to him, but I bet wherever he is he misses me. I miss him too. Thefirst dolphin I catch I'm going to name "Squeaky" because I think that wouldbe a good name for a dolphin. The next one I catch I will name "Tony Danza,"because he is the funniest actor of all time. If I should be lucky enoughto catch a third, I was thinking about naming it "Tony Danza-o" or "ScottBaio."

12-12-99

There was an art contest down at the museum today. I entered a drawingof a bloody cat. It didn't win though. I worked really hard on it. I madeit as bloody as I could, but I guess the judges didn't care. Next year Iwill enter a drawing of an even bloodier cat. It will be sure to win. Allof the people there liked my drawing, they stared at it the longest, andusually showed it to other people. Most people didn't even look at any morepictures after they saw mine.

I accidentally hospitalized an innocent person today. Some foreign guycame to my front door and started saying all this crap that I couldn't understandand demanding money. I felt kind of threatened so with all my might I threwhim into the side of the house. It turns out it was only the Chinese fooddelivery guy and he was making a delivery. I visited him in the hospital,and to make him feel more at home I decorated his whole room with Pokemonmerchandise, because I figured he'd be really into that stuff. For some reasonit just made him even angier. He's not a very thankful person I guess.

12-9-99

Some guy drove into my neighbors house today. I thought it was onlyappropriate that I threw a "Some Guy Crashed Into My Neighbor's House Party."Originally it was gonna be a Pajama Jammie-Jam, but I changed my mind. Hewas really mad though... He was angry the whole day and all he could hearwas festivities, celebrating his misfortune. The people at the party keptlooking over the fence and laughing. One guy even threw eggs. I thought itwas unnecessary, but he felt differently.

Some Christmas carolers came to my house last night. They rang the doorbelland I opened it. They nearly shit themselves when they saw a big robot answeringthe door. They went ahead and started singing anyway though. Its kind ofawkward when you have a group of people singing to you, alone. What do youdo? I considered dancing, but that would have been kind of weird. And I didn'twant to slam the door in their face either... I ended up giving them someleft-over halloween candy. I didn't think I was supposed to tip them... Andthey didn't even sing "Sleigh Ride," the only christmas song I really enjoy...Oh, and Band Aid's "Do They Know Its Christmas" "...tonightbe glad its them, instead of you!!!"

Tomorrow I will go christmas shopping. I don't have anyone to shop for,because I have no family, but I enjoy giving strangers odd gifts. Last yearI stood on a street corner and handed out copies of Harry Connick Jr.'s mostrecent CD. You should have seen the disappointment on people's faces whenthey unwrapped it. The metamorphosis from "Oh!! A present!!" to "Ohman, this sucks!!" was incredible. One guy actually liked it, so I tookit back and gave it to somebody else.