HOME- PHOTO ALBUM-DIARY
I was playing paintball with my friends Bruce and Robot Ron in the Wal-Mart parking lot yesterday, and stupid Robot Ron went and shot some lady's eye out. She screamed for like an hour, we were like "Shut up! Shut up! Don't tell anyone!!" I think Bruce bought her a Pepsi and got a rag out of the back of the car to stop the bleeding, but she was still pissed off. What a stupid bitch. And the whole time me and Bruce were trying to calm that stupid lady down, Robot Ron was running around the parking lot shooting the gun. He probably shot like 6 people who werent even playing with us. Everytime they yelled at him, his response was "Watch out asshole!! You're not even playing!!"
My pal Robot Ron tried out for Wheel Of Fortune yesterday. That'shis favorite show in the world, it would be a dream come true for him to be on it. The only problem is he is really bad at it. I've never seen him solve a puzzle correctly. Unfortunately he didn't make the cut. He says he almost won, but he guessed wrong every time. He always tries to guess before any of the letters are revealed, I told him not to. Last time I saw him practice he guessed "Great Wall of China" when the answer was "Restaurant." You can just look at the board and tell that there obviously isn't that many letters on there. He's an idiot. I remember when he made up this plan to get on Jeopardy. He's really bad at that also, but he said College Jeopardy Week is much easier. I think he enrolled in night classes just to qualify, he didn't make it on the show though. He would have, if he was good at answering questions correctly. I'm trying my hardest to get into the audience of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" I really want to take part in the "Poll the Audience" life-line, so that way I can always be the 4% guy. The only one who picked the obviously wrong answer, because there's always one jerk who's either a real idiot, or is a total wise ass. I want to be that jerk. "96% of the audience says that juditsu is a martial art. 4% feels that it is a color."
Oh, and yes, I am still going to write in the diary. Yesterday I saidI was going to stop, but I was just in a bad mood when I wrote that andI took it out on the diary. Stupid diary... To those of you who mailedme, thanks for your concern.
Iím not going to write in the diary anymore. My friend Bruce found out I write in a diary and he said Iím a girly-robot. Since when is it girl-like to have a diary? I just write in it because I thought it would be good for me to tell you all about my problems, itís therapeutic for me. I once read that women who write in diaries are 30% less likely to be burdened by stress and anxiety. I couldnít find the statistic for men, but Iím sure itís around the same. It doesnít matter, I donít think Iíll be writing in here anymore. I might write again later on, but only to talk about how Iím not going to write in here anymore, and thatís it. Goodbye, stupid girl-diary.
I got kicked out of Sizzler last night. I was there hanging out withmy friends. We like to go every week to see how much junk we can throw into the buffet and then see who eats it. My pal Bruce once spit into the salad twenty-seven times in one night. He tries to break that record every week. One of my friends once put a used home-pregnancy test into the chicken wing tray, we laughed for hours. Last night I got kicked out because the manager saw me pouring bleach into the pasta. I told him I was only pouring it onto the portion I am going to take back to the table, but when he looked in he could see that it was like a 50/50 - pasta/bleach mix. I'm the only one that got kicked out too. Robot Ron got to stay and he was jabbing all of the dinner rolls with lead pencils the whole night. It was so obvious. That manager was a jerk.
Today I learned about the people who wear fur and the people whodon't like the people who wear fur. There was a big anti-fur rally goingon down in front of a department store today and I wanted to go shopping there, but the only way I could get in was to pretend I was totally against fur. They didn't believe me at first so I had to find some people wearing fur coats and beat them up a little bit/toss them into traffic. I got a little carried away and I ended up getting one man's legs caught under a street sweeper. He screamed so loud, I could hear him being dragged for miles. I would have felt bad, but there's something to be said about men who wear fur coats. The protesters still wouldn't let me into the store, so to further prove my hatred for fur I ran around stepping on every squirrel I could find. I stepped on so many squirrels I forgot why I was even there in the first place. I think I just ended up walking aroundtown stepping on squirrels all day. Oh well, it was still a good day.
People only kind of know me in my town. Like if I go out into town,most people donít say anything because they all know who I am and that I live here, but if I go into other towns, people have no idea I even exist. That makes it really easy for me to scare the hell out of people. Iím not sure, but I think people might fear for their lives when I pretend Iím going to attack them. Itís pretty funny. People always get real scared and either pass-out or drop their babies.
Today... like a few hours ago... I told the kids that hang out around here that it would probably be a lot of fun to go sleigh-riding down the street, because our street is a really big hill, and there is never too much traffic and I thought it would be fun so I told them I thought it would be alright because thereís never any cars or anything and it would be fun and I didnít think anybody would get hurt and I donít know what to do... I gotta go.
I got some new neighbors yesterday. I think they are farmers because they have 2 cows in the backyard. This is the biggest thing to happen on my street since Go-Bo the Clown moved in last year. They also have a pig, but its not like the ones in the movies, this one doesn't talk or anything. I told my new neighbors to keep their pig off my yard or else I'm gonna keep it and race it at the county fairs. Every time I see them I say something along the lines of 'That pig looks like one hell of a racerÖ Its got racing blood in its veins." I also tell them that they should keep their cows on a leash because they are vicious. I don't trust cows. They once killed a dog of mine. My dog was just hanging out on the lawn, minding his own, then a bunch of local cows came over and attacked him... Tore him to bits. I chased those cows away and vowed to tip over each and every last one of them when they were sleeping. Cows are pack hunters, and I think they should be shot.
I went to a circus last week. It was a pretty good show until somebody(me) decided to shine a laser pointer into the dancing bear's eye. Everyonetried to calm the bear down. First the tamers ran in and tried to catch himbut the bear started biting one of them and the others ran away like sissies.Then the clowns tried to help out, I don't know what they were trying todo maybe make the bear laugh or something, but that didn't work. Theyshould have done that "too many clowns in the car" trick. That one gets meevery time. Then somebody got the smart idea of letting the lion out to gofight the bear, but the lion just ran into the audience and starting attackingpeople. I told them to let the tiger out to go stop the lion. The smartestthing they could have done was thrown the bear a child or something so thatway he wont kill everyone, he'll just chew on one kid. And there was so manykids there anyway, what's one less? I certainly wouldn't have noticed.
Well, it looks like I'm going to have to get a job. I have no money andthe TV people are threatening to cut my cable if I don't pay my bill within30 days. That would be a tragedy. I've had a few jobs before, but I neverheld one for that long. I once worked at a bakery, but I got fired becauseI liked to try to find hairs on the ground and then put them into the muffinmix. I did that for like two weeks and the boss never knew, but one day hesaw me doing it and I had to make up a quick excuse, which wasn't verygood I said I was doing it because certain customers requested it,but he didn't believe me.
I got into a snowball fight today with the neighborhood kids. I totallywon. I knocked one kid's teeth out, another one went home with a broken nose,and the other kid is still lying on the front lawn. After I finish this diaryentry I am going to go back outside to throw more ice chunks at them, orat least the one that's still lying on the ground. Those kids had no chanceof winning. We each built a snow fort. I had mine up in less then three minutes,I made it out of chunks of ice and sticks, it was almost as big as the garage.It took them an hour just to build a snow wall, and once they finished itI ran it over with my neighbor's Blazer. I accidentally ran over one of thekid's legs also, so I had to get out of the car and be like "Don't tell yourmom!! Don't tell your mom!!" That asshole probably did though, I hatekids.
I went to a basketball game last night and I just happened to be sittingin the lucky seat... I got called up to take the million-dollar half courtshot. They handed me the ball and told me to make a basket. I never playedbasketball, but I have thrown lots of things before, like rocks and bricksand my neighbors pets. I threw the ball as hard as I could and I missed byabout 30 feet. The ball went into the crowd and hit some old man right inthe side of the head. It hit him so hard people eight rows back got bloodon them.. I was so angry. I wanted my million dollars so bad. I ran overand grabbed the giant million dollar check and ran away. I took it to thedrive-thru window at the bank today but the lady said she couldn't cash itbecause it wasn't a real check. I told her I would give her a hundred dollarsif she cashed it, but she still said no. What a stupid ass. Tonight I'm goingto go back to spray paint "THIS BANKS SUCKS" on the front windows, so thatway all of the customers will know.