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02-28-01

Robot Ron, Bruce, Sea Captain Deadbeard and I all took over the mall this weekend. We swept in, took out all our targets and locked the place down. Under my supreme leadership. It just so happens two of my loyal robot army members, Robots Steve and Unitx203 were on hand, causing trouble in the food court. Security was alert, but we thwarted their measly efforts to stop us. We stole their fake Mall Cop badges, the only defense those men are given. It just so happens the mall Easter Bunny on hand was a good friend of Robot Ron's (Ron has always been a huge fan.) And it just so happens that he was pissed off at his job and wanted to take some lives. He also carries a knife. Robot Ron and the bunny took over sears, we knew the tool department would be an important point of attack. Maybe a turning point in the battle. Rock Star Bruce somehow managed to get himself a golf cart, and clubs to whack people with. And it drove fast. Faster than you could run. While securing the east wing, I bumped into Robot Al coming out of Old Navy, with a new yellow pullover fleece. I told him to go home. Evil Robot Ed was already busy attacking strangers though, so he was in this one for the long haul... Al started bitching so we told him to take over the Banana Republic. I didn't check on him though... I was too busy climbing through the vents. I was en route to security offices. I dropped 15 stink bombs in to the room and everyone cleared out. I then punched all the monitors, and locked all the people in a small closet. Which I threw 7 stink bombs into. Robot Steve fought like a robot at war in the food court, punching every face within reach. Meanwhile Unit X203 kicked children off of the horsy rides out front, and organized the arrival of our auxiliary unit, The Chicago Chapter. They surrounded the parking lot, preventing any outside attacked. The Easter Bunny held fort in the power saw department, chopping of any hand that would come near, meanwhile Robot Ron searched for the mall headquarters. I Got a bike from inside sears, to assist me in my attacks. I used it to run down 7 rent-a-cops. Robot Ron found the head office and ran right through the doors. The owner did not look happy. He wasn't going to back down to Robot Ron and his crazy eyed attack. This particular mall owner was a martial arts master. But Ron thought he was also.. Right before a fight could even take place, there was a suprise attack from somebody Robot Ron claims was The Red Ninja. He captured us the mall Title Deed and it was ours! The army had claimed a victory. The Fairview Plaza Mall is now under robotic rule. That means we stay open until 4 in the morning, music usually goes all night, and kick most people out. Especially customers.

02-22-01

Oh I'm a big Survivor fan. I rounded up some kids and made them all play it with me, Robot Ron, and Sea Captain Deadbeard. I had him sail us all out to this island in the middle of the lake. I didn't need to eat. Neither did Robot Ron, so we got by. The children on the other hand, they didn't do as well. Sea Captain Deadbeard stashed some jelly donuts in his backpack and he didn't tell anyone. I knew this, but, I didn't say anything. We have a pact. We voted off Jimmy, the 9 year old, last week. I caught him picking his nose down by the waterhole, I had no problem getting the rest of the tribe to turn against him after that. They made his life hell, the other kids wouldn't even talk to him. Even Ron wanted nothing to do with him. He knew his run was nearing an end. Alex, the smartest little kid on the island, he almost won the $5 I stole from an old lady (that I had to push over) and put up as the prize. But in the end, I got to keep the five bucks. Two of the kids wound up missing, I think Robot Ron and Sea Captian Deadbeard might have killed and buried them in the night. They probably had votes stacked against them, so... They evened it out. I spent the five bucks on spray paint, which I sprayed on all the car windsheilds town at the train station last night. Once I started running out of paint, I would only paint over the drivers areas. We didn't actually finish Survivor though, me and the Captain left the island, with Ron and about 5 kids still on it. We got bored. I don't know what they are up to, but I saw a real lot of fire coming from the Island when I looked out there earier today, a good percentage of it is blazing right now... I bet Ron's got all those kid's doing some pretty weird shit, like praying to sun and squirrel gods. Damn savages.

02-20-01

I went to truck driver school. That's where they teach you to be a fat slob. And drive a truck. At the same time. All the guys there were dirty and probably loved "Sweet Home Alabama." I got to take the truck around in the truck obstical course. I had to swerve around the cones, which I couldn't do, and I was also supposed to not kill anyone, which I also had trouble with. They didn't end up giving me my truckers liscense because I ran over one of the 7 Billy-Bobs that were there. It was real sad, they played "Free Bird" and everything. Cause he's as free as a bird, now. He will be missed. They had a convoy in his memory. I wasn't allowed to take part though, being that I'm the one who ran him over and all. And I still can't drive a truck. But that's alright, I didn't even know the dude so I didn't care. I just went home and watched TV instead. Judge Judy was on, so I'm glad they sent me home...

02-13-01

Bob G's house caught on fire. He came running to my house to ask if he could use the phone to call the fire department. I said no, go use the McDoogles phone. I'm expecting a call. Because I was, there's a radio show that calls a random person at 7:00pm every night so I didn't wanna tie up the line. I wanted to win a chance to see Carrot Top live. That was the prize this week. I didn't even want the tickets, I was gonna sell them on Ebay. His stuff is in high demand I hear, the world just cant get enough. I mainly wanted to win because I just wanted to hear my voice on the radio; it makes me feel like a big star. And I wasn't about to let fuckin' Bob G of all people get in the way of that. Bob's house got pretty badly burned, they'll be renovating it for a few week's, I'm sure. Nobody died, I asked him this morning. I said "So anyone die or anything?" He said no, no thanks to me. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did he want people to die or something? What a fuckin' lunatic. That why I hate Bob G. He sucks. And Kenny G's new album BLOWS. Just like the rest of 'em. That's the LAST TIME I ever buy one of his records. Even if he gets Kenny Rogers to sing, and throws in a free bucket of chicken with every purchase, I STILL wont buy it.

02-10-01

My local radio station was handing out promotional stuff down in front of Wal-Mart today. I got a little more into it than I should have, I shoved some little girl so I could catch a free t-shirt and she banged her head on the curb. Then I punched this other guy in the face and stole his free coffee mug. But at least I can now support my favorite local news and weather station. That's important to me. I always go to all sorts of promotional things like that... Like the time McDonald's had their grand opening in Melville and they were giving away free cheeseburgers. I threw 42 of them at the front window, they didn't even realize I was doing it until I got to number 43 when some asshole customer went and told somebody. What did that have to do with him? Why did that guy need to see out of that window so bad, what's his problem? He's certainly not gonna have to clean it, so shut the fuck up already. I would have kicked his ass in the parking lot, but they called the cops so I had to run away and hide behind some buildings.

02-06-01

Rock Star Bruce is real desperate to get famous man. He's trying everything these days. He managed to get himself onto Star Search last week. Only he wasn't performing by himself, he somehow managed to get into one of those dance performance groups. It was Called "Dream Fantastic" and they did a lovely little number. The dance was real choreographed, and Bruce kept messing up his part. He would jump when he was supposed to kick, and kick when he was supposed to twirl. I think it was because he was drunk. You'd have to be though to perform with Dream Fantastic. He was probably drunk when he agreed to it. They danced to an old Wham song, they were all like "JITTER-Bug!". There were 5 people on the dance team and they all wore the same tight black with sparkle suits. They only got 2 and a half stars. They lost to some handicapped girl. Bruce complained on camera that "If I knew I was gonna be up against a 'tard I wouldn't have even showed up! Of course you're gonna let that window licker win" They cut to a commercial, and I heard during the break a brawl broke out on the stage. Dream Fantastic got into a big fight with Ed McMahon and the runner up dance squad, "Rhythm Unite". Dream Fantastic got their ass kicked. And somewhere in the scuffle the little handicapped girl got punched out of her wheelchair. Some say it was Bruce, but he denies it. He blamed it on Ed McMahon.

02-03-01

Sea Captain Deadbeard, Robot Ron's good friend (a pirate) just bought a new car. It's a station wagon. I called him a pussy and he gave me some "to fit all my junk!" excuse. Him and Robot Ron are out right now marauding the streets. They drive around like assholes in that car. Ron hangs out the window and smacks everyone and everything with his mop that they got at TruValue, special for that. The Captain's always having Ron dig deep holes everywhere looking for treasure, but I wouldn't be surprised if that weirdo were throwing bodies into that hole. I'm not 100% sure about this guy and what exactly his deal is. He was banned from Pirate Golf down in town because every time he went there he would make families walk the plank, which was like 15 feet high over rocks and a small waterfall. They banned him from the place but he tries to reclaim his ship once a month at least, they have all sorts of pirate problems down at Pirate Golf. He beat up 4 managers at least. One time I saw him walking around downtown carrying a big treasure chest. I didn't stop and ask him what he was doing, I don't wanna talk to that guy if I don't have to. But I don't know where the hell he got it. I was real impressed though. If there really is any treasure out there, he's gettin' it all. Typical the pirate finds it...

02-02-01

Earlier tonight I scared the crap out of Bob G's kid (Kenny G's nephew). I was breaking in through a window and I didn't realize anyone was asleep in that room. He was spazzin' out on me like an epileptic, I didn't know what to do, so I jumped back out the window. I hid in the bushes for a little while, then went back home. If Bob asks me anything about it in the morning I'm just gonna deny it, that dumb kid was having nightmares, and he's obviously a pussy because he's a G. Bob will agree, he has to. They are known to many as a very sensitive family. Last time I broke in there that was a guest room. They switched things around, those assholes. Now I'm gonna have to refigure all this crap out...