People always ask me... "Robot Frank, do you have no heart?" Let me tell you about my heart... My cold, black heart. My heart has no room for love... Only a tiny tiny little bit, which is reserved; for puppies and kittens. They are what I fight for! For their love.

People sometimes tell me... "Robot Frank, you got a real bad attitude." Well let me tell you about my bad attitude! It makes me suffer on the inside. When I'm all alone, and nobody can hear me cry... And I eat bon-bons. And call psychic hotlines all hours of the night, hoping for just a little bit of comfort. But Miss Cleo never comes though. She just goes on and on about those god damn cards. FUCK THE CARDS.

People often ask me... "Robot Frank, are you ever gonna get your act together?" Well let me tell you about getting my act together, Mister. I can get you 50 cieling fans RIGHT NOW if you want! You just didn't ask, buddy! ...Tellin' me I don't got my act together... I got a full line of whirl-o-matics, all different colors, just waiting to be bought. I invested my neighbors life savings into those (I crept into his house and stole it the night). And you're telling me I don't got my act together? I'm gonna murder your family tonight. And your family's family, and their family too. Then we'll see who doesn't got their act together. WHEN YOUR MOTHERS DEAD. And the baby will be dead too. Aww the new baby boy. Dead. And it's all your fault. Because you ask too many questions. On the tombstones it will say "Asked too many questions... Paid the price." You can count on that. I know the guy that writes the tombstones, and he LOVES my suggestions. Do YOU know him? Didn't think so...


This time around I am DETERMINED to make the Olympics. Last time I was just bullshitting you. But this time I am telling you no lie. I downloaded the ENTIRE list of Olympic events from the official Olympic website and there are at least ten events I can get in for. For example, the Two-Meter High Jump. Or the Ten-Yard Hyper-Dash. Another event I'm looking forward to trying out for is Duck Hunt. The video game. They added it this year. Not the skeet shoot though, just the duck hunt. I'm quite confident I have what it takes to win the gold. I also plan to kick a good amount of ass in the Pogo-Stick Jump-A-Thon. I'm guessing it's a last man still jumping sort of deal. How hard can it be? The event I'm MOST looking forward to though is Indoor Marco Polo. That, or the Limbo.


Found me a wallet on the side of the street. Some old lady saw it first, but I got to it first. It had $2,300 in it and a bunch of gold credit cards. I went shopping in the city. I found this exotic animal store. Yeah, I got me this really cool lion head hat. Made of genuine lion head and face. I think it commands respect when out on the town. I bought a great panda skin fur coat. It's got a built in hood/head. Made of: you guessed it! Genuine panda head and face. Only my panda is making kind of a sad face so I think I'm going to wear it with the hood down. If I ever go back I'm gonna get some rhino foot boots. Those things are bad ass.


Making any sort of income these days is getting harder and harder. You really have to think hard if you want to make a buck... I was flat broke for the past two weeks. I finally have a few bucks in my pocket now... I've been stealing cartons of cigarettes down at the Mobil Mart (when Max is on shift... He never pays attention to what's going on) and selling packs to the Junior High students as they get off the bus. Five dollars a piece. It's a good deal. I got the idea from Ham Hash, the old bum down the road. He said he used to make a pretty penny each and every week doing this exact same thing. Thanks, pal. I owe 'ya one. Those kids are dying for smokes. And they all have lunch money, so it works out well for everyone. If business picks up I'm gonna start doing this at more locations, and maybe make up some business cards to hand to all the kids down at the park. There's at least 8 Junior High Schools in this county, and over 10 Elementary Schools, all filled with kids who can't buy cigarettes without help from somebody like me. Somebody who cares enough to take the time out of their day to pay a little service back to the community. Most people just take take take. Not Robot Frank. I like to give.


Sea Cap'n Deadbeard, Robot Ron's Pirate pal, got on the news again for setting fire to The Pound. He was there with some Pirate pals and things got a little out of hand. It was a dark day for pound puppies everywhere. I heard The Cap'n has been trying to get in shape lately because he's going to be on Thunder Dome XTreme. It's kind of like American Gladiators, but only on UPN or something, I don't know... I don't watch that crap. But if he wins he's going to win a Grand Rodeo 4x4, which he says he'll use to attack and loot villages (which he's been doing in a Toyota Camry up 'till now - Not quite as efficient for pillaging as a Grand Rodeo 4x4.) He told me his big grand scheme to win, but it's really long and I don't feel like typing it. But it may work! If you see an angry pirate in a Grand Rodeo pull into your driveway run out the back door and never look back. No time to save the children. I'm surprised he's trying to get on television though... I thought he would try to lay low for a while, especially after what went down at the local Tri-County fair. Deadbeard shows up drunk as a skunk and starts shooting Roman candles into the crowd. He killed a baby. The cops were looking for him for weeks, flashing his picture all over the news. The whole time he was just hiding out on his party boat down on Turtle Lake; our local lake, which is dominated by pirates. Nobody complains too much though. Every 4th of July they put on a hell of a fire works show. Breath taking, some would say. If you're ever around on the 4th, Turtle Lake is the place to be. It's right near Spider Rock. On the left.