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There's a bunch of kids missing. Word is Robot Ron kidnapped them. He was hanging out with them earlier today, he says they were playing kick Steven at the park. After that they went into the woods and they all got eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex (that was hiding.) "Where did the tyrannosaurus rex go?" I said. "HE'S GOING TO NEW YORK CITY." Half of the kid's mothers got the police on Robot Ron's ass. The other half are in the city.
Today I went to Wal-Mart because there was a sale on premium rubber garden hoses and I'm going to fill my neighbors basement with water so I'll need at least 200ft. There was like 8 dumb-fucks all dressed up like bad-ass tough motha-fucka N*Sync Backstreet Boys down in front of Old Navy next to Wal-Mart. I think there was a sale on performance fleeces or sleeveless drawstring flannel drawstring pants in blue and yellow or something. I said to them "do a choreographed dance now! Or I'll kick your ass!" "And I want to see those supid-expression faces like in the videos!" One of them started dancing. The others kicked his ass and stole his drawstring cargo pants. I stole all their wallets.
There was a big blimp accident down near the lake yesterday. The guy driving it was drunk and he was trying to kick it into hyper-drive I heard. Instead he just crashed it into some trees and ran away crying. When the blimp crashed billions of gallons of helium escaped, making it officially the "funnest day in history." Everyone in town sounded like a midget when they talked (which really confused all the midgets.) The midgets didn't come out to celebrate like all the people though, they just stayed in their underground burrows or in the trees or wherever those fuckers live. They probably have nuts and berries to collect or something, I don't know. Much too important for human activities I guess. They'll never be granted their own state if they don't perform midget-pranks and stunts for us. Midgets never learn.
My town is in the middle of what they are calling their reform period. In it, they are trying to crack down on all that is bringing the community harm. Somehow "robots" managed to make it to the top of the list... Which I think is bullshit. Within a week they will probably have some no-robot law, thanks to the new mayor they just voted in. The only reason he won is because he called himself "The Mayor with the Golden Nunchucks" and all the other candidates were afraid of him or went out and bought more threatening weapons (which killed their credibility. Nobody wanted Assault Riffle Anderson in office, nomatter how much he insisted he was on "the people's side.") This new mayor is a whack job. He's got that "bwaha" laugh that makes it obvious to everyone you're sinister. But he's our mayor now. The day he proposes plans that involve evil monkeys and secret ninja midgets from hell, I'm out. The last mayor that tried that crap got banished to the bottom of the ocean where he now lives in the torture-bubble (suffering at the hands of his own evil creation, an ironic punishment.)
Ever since Fruit Loops started putting treasure maps on the back of their cereal boxes Robot Ron has been on a pirate kick. Everyday is a "Pirate Adventure" for him. He's digging holes in everyone's yard, kicking people outof their boats on the lake, looting houses, playing tons of mini-golf, and pillaging small villages. He's got a pillaging partner too, named Sea Captain Deadbeard. He met him down at Splash Kingdom. Deadbeard was beating up the children on the S.S. Splish and Splash and stealing all their loot. Ron and The Cap'n are like best friends now. They spend all their time drinking rum and singing pirate songs, like that 99 bottles of beer song. Ron had to learn to count backwards for that one. He still isn't real good at it. He usually lets Deadbeard sing the number part, then he continues with "BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!" Robot Ron is one of those clapping singers, like he applauds himself for doing a good job or something, I don't understand it. Last night Sea Captain Deadbeard and Robot Ron took over a party boat out on the lake. Ron tossed off the old ladies, Deadbeard made the captain put down his beer and walk the plank. Then they looted the ship. They came home with 5 Bud Ices, 14 Miester Braus, a cooler, 2 hamburgers, and 4 old lady purses (filled with jewels and rubies, a favorite of Pirates everywhere.)
Our town is in a frenzy. Some stupid kid went and fell into a well. Why the kid fell into the well, I don't know. He probably dropped some pokemon in there or something... then jumped in after them like a dumbfuck. It happened at about 4 o'clock yesterday. Me and Robot Ron were two of the first to know about it, we just happened to be in the area. We saw some little kid screaming down a hole. We weren't sure what was down there, we thought it might be an animal or something. I told Robot Ron to drop a rock down the holeto see how deep it was. We didn't hear it hit the bottom, so we dropped another. It was pretty deep. The police showed up a few minutes later. I acted like I was really concerned, even though I didn't really care. I didn't know that kid, and if he was dumb enough to fall into a well he deserves to die. Everyone was like "What should we do? What should we do?" My idea was to fill the hole with water and then the kid would float to the top. Robot Ron agreed. The police were too busy rigging up some ropes and wires and shit. I said "Listen MacGuyver, either you fill that hole with water right now or we might not see this kid again for hours!" I went home after that, I didn't want to stick around. I did my part. They should give me an award or something. For courage and bravery in a time of crisis. I had some real good ideas, much better than the fuckin' A-Team they had working on it.
Now that me and Robot Ron are big time celebrities, we get a lot of offers to endorse crap. For instance, just last week I was offered a couple thousand dollars to say "This is Robot Frank, and you are listening to 106.5. The Lower Valley's home of Hard Rockin' Hits." But I made it up as I went along and it came out more like "This is Robot Frank, and you are gay. Turn the channel, loser. Unless you like listening to crap. Then keep that dail on 106.something, the home of crap and music for fags." Then I made vomiting noises into the microphone for a minute and a half. They only aired it a few times, late at night. Robot Ron was in a commercial for Meaty- Beef Puppy Chow. He was dumping the food into the bowls and doing the Meaty-Beef Happy-Puppy dance. They had to stop airing the commercial though because if you looked carefully you could see he was stepping on a dead puppy. He stepped on a few that day. He didn't like it when they barked. And when they wouldn't eat the food and when they wouldn't let him pet them. Actually, I think he was just looking for reasons to step on puppies.
Me, Robot Ron, and Bruce all took a trip into the big city yesterday. Robot Ron has never been there. The whole time he kept asking us if we were in the hood yet. I don't think he wanted to go near it. He saw what happened to Johnny 5 in that one movie. (He got lots of caps busted in his ass.) Bruce fell asleep in a taxi. He was supposed to meet us somewhere. By the time he woke up he was in debt $2,495. He was really pissed off because the driver didn't wake him up. The driver said he looked so peaceful and serene, "it would be a sin to disturb him." I guess he would have rather just driven him around until he had enough money to ship his wife and kids over to the states... Or fill his gas tank about 8 times in New York. Or 5 times with Premium. We were all really dissapointed that we didn't see anyone get shot... I kinda promised Ron. How was I to know nobody was droppin' plates on any asses? That was bullshit.
While we were there we saw a celebrity. Tony Danza. It was a dream come true. I asked him how Sam and Angela were doing, and if that slut Mona was still being a bitch. He said something along the lines of "Fuck you something something you stupid son of a" He didn't get to finish though because I started kicking his ass then and there. While kicking his ass I kept saying "Who's the boss?! Who's the boss?!" I bet he loved that. I know I did.