HOME- PHOTO ALBUM-DIARY
Last night was the big party down at the Norwood Estate. Every year they invite the entire neighborhood to their huge backyard party/dinner. I used to walk their dogs a few years back, so I’m kind of friends with Mr. Norwood. He agreed to let me DJ the party. I locked myself into a room in the basement, cranked the outside speakers and for four hours straight I blasted choice selections from Yani’s fantastic career. Bob G., who was also at the party, cant stand that guy. I don’t think Yani and Bob. G’s brother, Kenny, get along too well. I heard Yani kicked his ass once; He like broke a harp over his head or something like that. Some say Kenny hasn’t been the same since. His melodies aren’t quite as soothing as they once were. I think Bob G. is going to be hosting a party in a few weeks. It’s going to be an album release party. He finally put together an album of his own… He plays The Triangle. Really, really well. I heard he took lessons for fifteen years, and won some national Triangle Player Award. He originally played the cow bell, but he gave up on it because it was too hard. He’s real excited about the album. I think it’s going to be called "Songs in the Key of (Bob) G." I hope it flops… But with his triangle playing skills, I don’t see how that would be possible.
My town had their annual Town Picnic yesterday. I still had some community service hours to complete from the last time I got in trouble in my town, so I got stuck working the BBQ pit. I didn't sell many hamburgers, I threw half of them in the garbage (so that way I didn't have to cook them.) The dunk tank game was like twenty feet to the left of the BBQ pit, so I threw the other half of the hamburgers into the tank from where I was standing. That would piss off most people, but the guy working the dunk tank was really fat. Like a hippo. I just called him Betty Crocker. He was real anxious to get dunked, there was so many tasty snacks floating in the water. By the end of the day he had to have eaten a cow and a half worth of hamburger meat. It didn't phase him, he was still swimming around searching for more. They also had games there. My favorite game, as some of you may know, is the throw-the-dart-at-the-balloon game. I don't even aim for the balloons. I go for the guy that hands you the darts. I got him in the eye last year. In my book, face area is bonus points, so I was a lucky winner that day.
I went to the beach to hang out yesterday. I'm the reason people hide their crap under towels. Whenever I see a pair of sneakers lying next to an unoccupied towel I take them and chuck them into the ocean. Or just one sneaker. Usually the one they hide the keys in. One time I stole this little kid's pair of sneakers and buried them in a hole in the sand. When his mothersaw her son lost his sneakers she started screaming and hitting him repeatedly (mostly in the face.) That went on for at least 10 minutes, or until the kid was bloody. Last summer I decided to waterproof myself. It's expensive, but I look a lot shinier and I get to go into the water for a month or so. I collected all the jellyfish I could find and I scattered them on the more populated areas of the beach. There was probably like 15, all right out in the open for unexpecting feet to step on. I was real surprised (and angry) nobody stepped on any of them, so I had to pick them up and throw them at people. I got one guy in the side of the face as he was coming out of the water. Then I threw another one at his son; It stung his neck real good! (but not as good as the one in the face.) When most people go to the ocean to go swimming they bring beach balls and pails and towels. I always bring chum. And lots of it. Nobody has been eaten by sharks yet though. Aside from this one really old guy, but he doesn't count because he was like 80 so nobody probably cared anyway. Another thing I like about the beach is little kids love being buried in the sand and I just happen to love burying children in sand. Last time I went all the adults were like "Where's all our children?!" and I was like "I buried them all in the sand." I just forgot to keep the heads sticking out.
I almost got kicked out of the house today... I threw a big robot party last night.. I invited over all of my buds from all over the East coast. My friends are a bunch of assholes. Zogobot 480 thought it would be a good idea to bring over a case of 10W-30 oil, even though we ALL use 10W-40. That shit fucks us up. Robot Ben ran through 4 walls, then set fire to the kitchen because "it was the only choice he had left." I told him he could have just gone home. He looked at me with a "oh yeah" sort of expression. Barry The Robot thought it would be fun to paint the bathroom walls green, then write "ROBOT FRANK SUCKS" in black marker all over. He said it was a funny joke, "Don't you get it?" I ripped his head off and stomped on it. I think that was much funnier. Then Gretchen-Bot went and took apart the family TV because she was gonna build a death-ray to kill Stevebot with. "He's a selfish fucking asshole and he deserves to die." I just gave her a baseball bat and said "Get him with this, leave my shit alone." I had to clean up pieces of scrap metal all over the yard this morning... The remnants of what used to be a Stevebot. I don't know who invited Robot Carl. That son of a bitch steals everything and then has bad excuses when he gets caught. I found him in the shed last night trying to steal the lawnmower. He said he was only going to borrow it for a few hours because he promised the guy across the street he would mow the lawn. The guy across the street has astro-turf, nobody is allowed near his yard, and he hides in his house all day because he's got that Michael Jackson skin disease. Maybe Robot Carl is his new groundsman, but I think its more likely that he was trying to steal my lawnmower. Last year he stole my back door, so strangers kept wandering in and out. I asked him why he did it and he said "It's none of your business! You'll thank me someday!" Which is bullshit. I hate answers that make it out like he is smarter than me, meanwhile he just doesn't have a good reason to be stealing my back door. He also stole my Fisher Price Sound Recorder that I stole from some little girl last week. I was using it to cut a demo tape... Now I don't have my only copy of me doing "Come On Eileen" which I even went out and bought a banjo just to perform. Don't let robots near your appliances. They may act like they don't want to steal them, but they almost all do.
I Saw a space alien at night. It was walking around in the street so I ran it over with a car. When I went to see if it was dead it was not really a space alien itwas STeve the neighbor that always mows his lawn. I thought steve was a space alien that is why i ran him over. That was worse than the time I hit him with the baseball bat in his garagebecause I thought he was the serial killer bandit caper that I saw on TV.
I went to the store and I broke all the stereos and then I punched the man that saw me so that Iwould not get in trouble. Today it was a special treat to see a bus crash with fire. It was the best even better than when I won and said FART FART on the radio really loud!! Haha
!!GO ROBOT RON!!
I got a call about an hour ago from my friend Bruce. He called to tell me we will be financially set for the rest of our lives. I know Bruce pretty well, and I know he's probably not capable of doing anything that will set us for life, financially. It turns out he was calling me from a cell phone on the road. He somehow managed to steal the 10 Million-Dollar Clearing House Prize Van. He said he had to put the beat-down on a couple of fattys, but the van is his now. He has the oversized check on the passenger seat. He said there's about seven cops on his tail, but he's pretty sure he can shake them. He's already tried throwing all the garbage in the van at them, but they are far too crafty to be bested by that old trick. He's not that worried about getting shot because he's a really good driver (he beat Cruisin' Idaho 7 times at the arcade in the mall, STILL holds the best time record) and most of the cops firing have bad aim with their guns. They keep shooting other cars and houses by accident. They almost got him but he swerved and they shot some old man instead, luckily. He said he's going to pull off the next exit to see if he can find one of those "Checks Cashed" places, and to stop for a bite to eat. He thinks he knows of a Sizzler a few miles down the road, he's in the mood for the Sizzler Steak and Potato Special (which he has a double-savingscoupon for, he is happy to report.) With his new 10 Million Dollars he said he's going to buy a new country and call it "Bruce's Rock & Roll Nation." He started saying something about rockin' and rollin' all night or something like that but then I heard a loud screeching noise and some gunshots and the phone went dead. He'll probably call back later… If from jail… I'll just let it keep ringing.
Somebody's been robbing graves in my town. I'm not too into that kind of stuff, but everyone is pointing fingers at me and I think that's bullshit. Like I would really want to dig a bunch of six-foot holes just to steal some crap from dead-human boxes. The last time I tried that I only made $43 down at the pawn shop with the jewelry I stole; I'll be damned if I'm gonna try that again. I bet it's that no-good Robot Ron behind this. Him and Bruce have been wearing a lot of extravagant jewelry lately. I thought all those gold chains and shiny rings Bruce had on yesterday were a little… extravagant. I just figured he went glam-rock or something like that. Old-lady glam-rock… Dead old-lady glam rock rather (which I hear is big in Japan.) Whoever is robbing the graves isn't very good at covering up their tracks. They left one casket on the side of Rt. 9 next to the Dairy Queen. Then they put one back into the grave, but they piled four dead people into the box. One body they left behind the post office. I don't know why they would bring it there… but when they found it they pronounced the body dead and had to bury it again somewhere else. Now he has two tombstones, which makes him the richest dead man I know.
Robot Ron got a job as a door to door vacuum salesman. Ron always has new jobs… He's the best at getting fired. Yesterday he said he visited 7 houses. Two of them wouldn't let him in so he had to break in through the back door. One of them still wouldn't buy any vacuums so he hit their cat with a vacuum (The Dirt-tank 750 - their finest model.) He says when he gets into the people's houses he has to show them how good of a vacuum the Dirt-Tank 750 is so he makes a mess on their rug then tries to clean it up. Like one time he took some families gallon of milk and poured it on the rug. Then he found out vacuums don't pick up milk so he had to try to step on it to smear it into the rug. He has to come up with on the spot demonstrations… Like yesterday he dumped the people's cat litter box onto the couch then tried to vacuum it. It was a bad demonstration though because they used the clump litter so the vacuum couldn't pick it all up, and most of it fell down into the cushions anyway. Robot Ron, being the problem solver that he is, quickly flipped the cushions over so the people could sit on the clean side. He also likes to demonstrate how the Dirt-Tank is stronger than almost any other conventional vacuum cleaner. He does this by pulling out the people's vacuum and smashing it to bits with the Dirt-Tank, then he kicks it across the room (symbolizing the fact that there is no longer any need for it now that The Dirt-Tank is around.) Then he throws the Dirt-Tank at the wall to show it wont even break, except he hit some people's baby with it the last time he tried that. He's probably going to lose his job within the next few days. He's only sold one vacuum so far, and he didn't even make what the company said to charge. He sold it for $4 and a piggy back ride, which didn't please the company.