I went to a beauty pageant today. I go to those every now and then, to destroy the feelings of some fragile girls. I got to watch the Miss County pageant, down at the County Center... When the girls walk on stage I like to say things to people sitting next to me, like "I hope she doesn't win. Her ass is too big.." or "Look at the nose on that one!" Sometimes I throw quarters at them too. It's the best when they fall. People who fall never win the beauty pageant, I find. It's like 10 points off or something. This year, like every year, Miss New Wingdale won. They always home the winners, some real beautiful people they have in that town. Unlike Deer Creek, which hasn't been allowed to enter the pageant in 15 years. They have asbestos in the schools I think, and they just are a bunch of hicks to tell you the truth. They shouldn't be allowed to share the same stage as New Wingdale, our county's pride and joy.


I tried out to be a talk show host for the local news channel. I figured I'd be sure to get the job, they have goons on those shows. They made me read the cue cards while I was baking a cake with Chef Mary, and I forgot about the cake because I was having trouble reading the cards. The interns down there can't hold a card right side up half the time. The other half the time they are pickin' their nose. When I was leaving and they called in the next person, a fire started in the oven. I was almost out the door by then so I just kept going and pretended not to notice. (We've all done that before, come on...) They are probably not going to call me back. They got their television politics over there and I'm gettin' the butt end of it. This is why I hate Channel 10. And everyone associated with it.


Rock Star Bruce got hit by a the other day. He was too busy rockin' and rollin' in the streets that he wasn't even looking where he was going, and he guitar soloed straight into a moving Buick. He was in so much pain, he was screaming "GIVE ME SOME DRUGS!!" repeatedly in typical rockstar fashion. He went to the hospital and had to stay for 2 days. He's glad he got to go though because they gave him this apron, which he says is really comfortable, and every time I go over his house he's wearing it. He says it's great because you can sleep or be active in it. Next week Bruce is scheduled to perform live on the Jerry Lewis Telethon. Yeah I know, he's landing some killer gigs. He's writing a special song for it, called "Don't Wanna Be a Jerry's Kid" which he says will earn 'em a million bucks. Rumor has it he's even hiring some of them M.S. kids to dance on the stage, and spin in their wheelchairs. He's a real showman with stuff like that.


Someday, when I'm on Battle-Bots I'm going to be crowned World Champion. I've been waiting for some kind of Ultimate Fighting Championships that they would let me into.. And it looks like this is as close as I'm going to get. My plan, which as far as I can tell is flawless, is to go in there with a shovel (as my weapon.) When the little robots come near me, I'll flip them over. And then I'll proceed to bash them with a shovel. The only thing I will have to worry about is walking over a kill saw or something by accident. My great uncle was ironically killed by a kill saw, so I will not dishonor his memory and fall victim to their power of making you forget to not step on them. Like so many have done in the past... Ideally, I'd like to fight Robot Ron on Battle-Bots. I've always wanted to battle him to the death, and I'd especially love to do it on cable television. That would make it so much better. I'd tear his head off and throw it at the plexiglass. Then I'd pull out all his circuits and throw them all over. That's EXACTLY what I'd do! Please forward my wish to do this onto Bill Nye, or just anyone else that can help fulfill my dream on the show.


I now have a new source of income, which is looking more and more promising as time goes on. At the junkyard at night, I'm holding dog fights. People put big money on that kind of stuff. Right now only 6 people know about it. I'm trying to keep it secret... It's me, Robot Ron, Jimmy the Face, Billy-Bob McGee, Tyrone "Money-Bags" Jackson, and Phillip McDoogle. Once a week I put on the show, everyone picks their dogs.. You'll always see a good fight, I try and match them up real good. I'm a showman, what can I say... It's hard to find dogs though. Or a bunch of new ones every week at least. People don't want to see the same dogs. Hell, that's boring. I find the best way to get some is to go around the neighborhood and steal them while people are at work. Some people have real tough dogs around here, I'm always real happy to come across as Great Dane or a Boxer... They could be my future money winners. And that important to me. I also invented the "Poodle Brawl" which is always a big draw. Bring the kids.