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HOME- PHOTO ALBUM-DIARY

03-31-00

I went to the zoo this weekend. They have this koala there that all people look at and say "Isn't it so cute?" I find the more people like something, the more it hurts them when they see bad things happen to it. I knocked it out of the tree with a rock. I don't mind koalas, but I just like to throw rocks at the animals in the zoo. They have signs all over that say "STAY AWAY FROM BARS" so I spend a lot of the day telling children to get a closer look and to see if they can fit their arms between the bars so they can pet the tigers. I say "That's a friendly one, I can tell. He looks like he wants to be pet" and the children want to pet the tiger so bad. I usually have to help them over the fence so they can get up to the bars. Last week me and Bruce hung out outside the Monkey Caverns and charged people admission to enter. He was the money collector, I was the enforcer. Anybody who didn't want to pay to enter the Monkey Caverns got all of their money taken away from them (that's the penalty we said the Zoo established.) I took 17 wallets and charged 38 people $14 dollars admission. Zoo trips are really profitable if you know what you're doing.

03-28-00

There's a man standing outside my window… If I lean back in my chair he can see me. He's been standing there for twenty minutes now. I cant figure out if he's spying on me, or if he's really dumb and he stands in one place staring vacantly for long periods of time. Why do retards have to stand outside my window? I'm going to get a stick to hit him in the face with.

I have a stick now. I'll be right back…

Okay. I hit him in the face with the stick. I hit him pretty hard too. He ran away. That solved that problem. I don't want people to think my house is a hangout for stupid fucks with staring problems.

Shit! He's back!! What the hell is his problem?! He's looking into my window again. Did he already forget that he got hit in the face with a stick for doing that exact same thing? I'm gonna go hit him in the face again.

What an idiot! I went out there and he said "Please don't hit me in the face with that stick again." So I said "Okay, I wont hit you with this stick" Then he smiled and I smashed him in the face with the stick. As he started to get back up I hit him in the face with it again, then kicked him in the ass. Now instead of having some stupid retard standing next to my window I have a stupid retard passed out on my front lawn. Why don't I just throw a Robot Frank's Yard Retard Party. Robot Ron is invited too.

03-27-00

Two houses on my street are having a war. One of them lives down on the corner of the street, the other lives next to my neighbor, Bob G. They are always dressed up in camouflage and are carrying guns around the street. Sometimes I see tanks and hummers driving down the street, and some days there's dead people lying on the side of the road. It's been a bloody battle, neither side is showing any signs of backing down. I think the war started when the Nelsons didn't invite the Smiths to their block party last spring and the following Monday Mr. Smith threw a grenade at the Nelson's son as he was getting off the school bus. He missed and just blew up the bus, but the Nelsons got the message. Ever since then the streets have been filled with the sound of gunfire. Both families have been calling in other family members/troops from all over the country. They've built large armies. The Reynolds (another family on my street) joined the war a few months back, but they were all killed when The Smiths burned their house down. Mr. Reynolds survived, but I ran him over a few days later when I tried to dodge a squirrel. I ended up hitting the squirrel anyway.

03-23-00

I was watching the news last night and they showed a picture of the most wanted man in the state. I couldn't help but notice he looks a lot like a guy that lives down the street from me... Well he looks a little bit like him. I'm going over his house later to capture him. I never really have an excuse to capture people so I can't let this one slip by… I think I'm going to put him into a sack and then hit it with a bat a few times. I like to take the law into my own hands before I turn people over to the police, so that way if the law doesn't punish them I can at least be sure I did. One day I decided to take the law into my own hands down in town and I beat up everyone who was committing crimes. Like one guy was walking his dog and the dog wasn't on a leash (a crime in this town) so I picked up a big rock and threw it at his head, knocking him right over a guardrail and into the river. Then I took his dog to the pound and said that I found it in the park biting children. I said "Now you put this mutt to sleep!" There was also this guy who parked in a handicapped spot… He didn't look too handicapped to me so I picked him up by his legs and threw him into the side of a building. Turns out he had a handicapped sticker in his car, so I thought maybe I should apologize, but then I realized what I did will just serve as a lesson to all the non-handicapped people who might someday consider parking in the handicapped spots. I feel that justified my actions.

03-22-00

I've been relaxing all day… I got this good idea last week to go into the babysitting business. It's called "Robotic-Eye Day Care Service" (made it sound professional.) I put an ad in the paper that said I will provide the kind of day care no human could possibly match. People buy into that stuff really easily. Since I'm a robot they think I can do any job more efficiently than humans. So anyway, I'm watching TV right now… I got the kids cleaning the house. Two of them I sent out to ask for donations for some charity or something like that, people always give money to kids without know what its going towards… so that's an extra $15 an hour coming in there.. I'm trying to teach one kid how to use the lawnmower. Another kid I have down in the basement doing plumbing. Those little hands can reach places I couldn't consider getting to. All of the kids are good workers, except for the baby which wont stop crying. I put it outside so I don't have to listen to it. With all these extra helping hands I'm thinking about maybe opening up a second business… Maybe they can make clothes or something. Kids are good at making clothes; that Kathie-Lee stuff they sell at Wal-Mart is pretty good I heard… If I ever sell clothes you can rest assure they will be produced by the thriftiest 2nd graders I can find… and 1st graders too. I'm watching a few of them also…

03-18-00

Thank god for children's fads. There's nothing I love more than seeing every store in town decorated with Super Galactic Hyper-Rangers posters and signs. It wouldn't be so bad if my buddy Robot Ron didn't buy into every single one of these fads. Last month he was trying to Catch 'Em All or something like that, now he's really into this Ninja Death Fighters show or comic or something like that, I never know what he's yelling about… But what pisses me off about it is he thinks he is a Death Warrior or something like that. All he talks about is how Ninjas are the best and they cannot be defeated. He always tells me he's going to get me with a Suicide Kick. I don't know what that is but it sounds pretty scary. Last week he was trying to do a Samurai Strike Kick or something like that off the roof and he landed in the bushes. He got stuck there and nobody found him for three days. Bruce eventually noticed him and pulled him out. Ron rushed right back up to the roof to try again.

03-16-00

There is a wolf on the loose in my town. They say it is after the children… Well, they don't say that, but I've been saying that to the children. A few years ago there was a bear on the loose and it tried to eat the mayor. I was really hoping it would because the mayor has had it in for me since I moved here. After they caught the bear I said "You got away this time, Mayor, but next time there will be a HUNDRED BEARS, all MUCH HUNGIER than this one!"

03-15-00

My neighbor is an asshole. He always goes to those town board meetings and complains about me... I remember last year he proposed the town hold a "Robot Hunt" and I ended up with 50 people on my front lawn with pitch forks and torches. I had to put together a fake robot-dummy made out of silver spray-painted cardboard boxes. I tossed it out to them and they destroyed it, then went home. Little did they know.... Last night he went to the meeting and told them I was housing illegal immigrants in my house. I don't even own this house. I think sometime tomorrow immigration is going to be paying me a visit. I really don't want to break the bad news to Pedro, Achmad, Pierre, Baron Von Haus, Antonio, Mahir, and Abdul... and all their children... all of which are very hungry.

03-12-00

I told my town that for every time they give my mail to my next-door neighbor by accident I would destroy something important to the community. Last week I had to tear down tear down the statue in the town center. I threw it into the lake. Yesterday I started to disassemble the local bridge. It's the only way out of town, so hopefully this will teach them. I'm going to finish taking it apart later today. They don't understand, I need my mail. If I don't get my TV guide and I have to watch that stupid preview channel I get real angry. That channel sucks. I hate my town's postal service. One more slip up and the school is going down in flames.

03-10-00

I found seven bees nests in my backyard today. I love those things. Whenever I see one I take it down and put it in somebody's mailbox. I close the mailbox door then shake the box up real good, that way when people check their mail they get a fun surprise, courtesy of Robot Frank. One time I collected twenty-three nests (bees, hornets, wasps) and I threw them all over the fence into my neighbors backyard while he was having a family BBQ. I didn't really have a good reason for doing it, so when he asked I said I did it because I wasn't invited, so I was angry. Now every time he has a BBQ he invites me and I have to think of an excuse not to go. Last time I told him I didn't want to go because I hate his children, but I'm running out of excuses.

03-09-00

I am so angry. Last night I get a call at 3a.m. I pick up and Robot Ron starts frantically trying to explain why he was arrested and how much money I need to bring to bail him out. I don't know who's idea it was to break into the fish market and throw all of the fish on the floor and then hit them around the room with hockey sticks, but I don't think Ron could think of something that stupid... No, that was his idea, I know it. Only Robot Ron could enjoy something that dumb. I asked him why he did it. He said because he was angry. I didn't ask any more questions. When I got down to the station Ron started trying to talk me into bailing out some guy named Gunther that he met while locked up. I don't even know this Gunther guy, why the hell would I want to bail him out? Ron said that Gunther told him if I bail him out he will give us a million dollars. Ron was so excited. I asked Ron what Gunther was in for. He said he got caught trying to blow up cars in the A&P parking lot. Like I really want to bail that guy out... Although I could really use a million dollars...

03-07-00

I have no money so I thought maybe I should have a bake sale. I am bad at baking, but I tried my best and I made a bunch of Hi-C flavored cupcakes. I set up a little stand at the end of my driveway. I sold nine of them, two dollars a piece. People really liked the Ecto-Cooler flavored ones, I sold three of them. All of the ones I sold went to the kids who got off the school bus at 3:00. And somebody's dog ate four, so I had to charge the owner. Those ones cost extra. I said "Dog cupcakes are more expensive. Three dollars each." As the person walked away with the dog I tried to get it to come back and eat more by throwing little pieces at it. It didn't work though, the dog just ate all the little pieces and didn't come back for more. Tomorrow I'm going to hold another bake sale. I think I'm going to sell Tang cookies. I don't have too many ingredients in this house, so I use fruit drinks for flavor. And if I run out of fruit drinks I use soda or whatever else I can find. Last year when I held a bake sale I ran out of fruit drinks and I had to use V8. People were pissed. They said the cookies tasted even worse than usual. I told them that maybe they got a bad one and they should buy another. You'd be surprised how dumb some people are.

03-05-00

I went bowling yesterday. I am so bad at it, its terrible. I bowled a 12. At least I did better than Robot Ron, who bowled a 2. They were both in the same frame also, it wasn't his turn yet but we still gave him the points. He would have done a lot better had he spent less time trying to reach his arm up the vending machine to pull out the hologram "Monster Truck Rally" cards. Every time we go there he tries to steal from the vending machines, he's a moron. One time I managed to pull out 3 packs of "Infomercial Mania Trading Cards." I sold my George Forman Grill card for thirteen dollars to the guy working the snack bar, it was great. He wanted to trade me a Ron Popeil Food Dehydrator card for it. I laughed in his face. What a stupid ass.

I'm thinking about joining a band... I've been in a band once, but that didn't last too long. I got stuck playing guitar. You would think being a robot they would want to hand the fame over to me and let me be the singer, but no. They wanted me on guitar. I didn't know how to play too many songs either... That's probably why they kicked me out of the band. Actually, I only knew how to play one song. I could play the opening riff of INXS' "Devil Inside." I could play that song like you wouldn't believe, I put my heart and soul into that riff. They hated that song though... One time we were on stage and we were supposed to play some song the band wrote or something, but I never took the time to learn it so I just busted into "Devil Inside", it was the only thing I could think to do. I cant believe they kicked me out, even after I told them I was going to learn "New Sensation" the following week. Their loss. If you want a robot in your band, and you like INXS songs, or at least the opening riffs from INXS songs, let me know. Oh, and don't write me requesting I become your backup dancer. That's so humiliating....

03-02-00

Hello! I am Robot Ron! TOday i watched telelvision and nothing was on so I stopped watching television and called Frank and told him there wasnt anything good on tv and he told me to go leave him alone so I called bruce and he said I know there is nothing on telelvision so we wnt to the mall and made fun of people. It was fun. We made fun of a lady because she had toilet paper stuck to her shoe when she came out of hte bathroom. We followed her around and told everyone that she had toilet paper stuck to her shoe a few minutes ago. Everyone laughed at her. it was the best! I was going to hit her with a stick but she ran away:( Later on me and Robot Frank are going to a football game. He told me he would give me money if I ran onto the field and tackled the people playing football and I should step on their heads. I am going to kick their heads to. It will be the best!

03-01-00

I wish I could be the mascot for the 2000 Summer Olympic Games. I called them up and they said they have their mascot already, but I told them that they should give me a chance to beat him, like maybe settle it in a steel cage match or something. They hung up. I hate people who aren't willing to reason. I would make a great mascot. Actually, I just want to be the mascot because I'm broke and I want to sell little dolls of myself for incredibly high prices. If those jerks don't want me to be their mascot that's fine with me. I'll start my own 2000 Summer Olympic Games, held in my town. I know at least 3 people from different countries that would be willing to participate... I'm going to have different kinds of events in my olympics too... Stuff the people really want to see. Like dodge ball, hot dog eating contests, the lava walk, bull fighting, the limbo, how long can you hold your breath under water, marco polo... The kind of events that make it obvious who the best athletes in the world are. None of that run on a track and jump over sticks crap in my olympics.