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I've spent the past week working down at the dump. They hired me to work security all day and all night. Twelve bucks an hour off the books. They hired me because somebody kept shooting all of their dogs, and they said it was really effecting their emotions. So they don't want to lose any more dogs. So here I am first night on the job and I'm duking it out with two neighborhood thieves punching and kicking my way to victory. When all of a sudden I realize one of the dudes I'm kicking the shit out of is Robot Ron's best pal, Sea Cap'n Deadbeard. Turns out it was Deadbeard and his neighbor, Tag-A-Long Tim. I see that dude hanging out with various people every now and then. Never alone... The Captain explained to me that he needed some scrap metal to make weapons of war with because he's going to try to take over Long Island next month and he needs an entire pirate ship fleet's worth of fighting tools. So I told him take what you need, it's not my shit. I let him run around for a while, until he didn't come back for like 10 minutes. I looked around for him and found him setting fire to the main trailer. That looked like a lot more fun than working security. So Deadbeard, Tim and I torched the place and I stole all the cash they hide in the bottom drawer before it got burned. When they got back I played dead, then started "coming to life". I told them that they were cruel to risk robot lives and that they will be hearing from the Head of Robot Lawyers first thing Monday morning. They were so scared. So scared... Head of Robot Lawyers is an asshole.
I was asked to be in a music video. Yeah, it was a rap video, by the Pimpin' $$ Thugs. I never heard of 'em, but the kids love 'em I hear. In the video I played a gangsta, avenging my dead homies. So to help me prepare for the part I got a gun and headed down to the hood. I shot at all the people I saw lurking in the shadows. Which is 95% of the people, in the hood. Then for even more practice I shot this old guy that lives down the street from me, while he was checking his mail. (This was right after I bought the gun so I was real anxious to try it out you must understand... Those bullets were burning a hole in my pocket). I jumped out of the bushes at him and said "This is for my dead homies, foo" and I shot him in the stomach. Don't feel bad though, he was so old and his entire family died in a car crash last summer (when I took out the local bridge with that explosive kit I ordered online - I told you about that right?) So it's not like anybody was sad to see him die. Well maybe his dog, but dogs have no brains. He'll get over it. He'll make lots of new friends when they put him in the pound. Well if they don't put him to sleep right away, I know they don't keep them too long anymore. But enough about that damn dog. He barked too much anyway, stupid fuck. So yeah, I'm in this rap video. Keep your eyes open for it. I'm the thuggish looking robot holding the glock. I'm the one that shoots "The Man" in the end. Peace out yo.
I got a short lived job at the hospital... I replied to an add in the paper, and in my application I listed all the places I worked at, failing to mention for how long and why I no longer work there. So with me being a robot, and having that much job experience, they took me right in. My first job was to give this old guy a new kidney. I think I did a good job. Yeah it went pretty well... I'm not too good at tying, so I don't know if I stitched him back up right. I only know one knot (the tie your shoes one) but I'm sure it was good enough. He's probably alright. Or he's walking around hallways leaking organs. Hmm... I got fired after my next operation. I was supposed to remove a cancerous tumor from some kids chest and I took out half his heart by accident. That shit all looks the same inside you people. And you have the nerve to BLAME me. They sent me right home after that. They didn't even let me stick around for the spinal tap, which I was waiting all day for. I even brought my own screwdriver from home, because it has a nice gel grip. They did however say I'm allowed to use them as a reference in the future. So it wasn't all bad I guess.
I saw an ad in the paper for midgets! Finally! I am getting 3 to dance on my roof for 3 hours every Saturday. I'll need to get some more decorations to go with this spectacle. I'm thinking a colony of garden gnomes. Maybe some leprechauns. And an Easter Bunny too, that'd be a nice touch. So everyone in the West Milton Tri-City area, come on down on Saturdays. Admission is 5 dollars adults, 7 dollars children (because they enjoy it so much more!) Old people are not allowed!
I got fired from the tennis ball factory today. Apparently I "wasn't making the tennis balls round enough." Which is a crock of shit... I was making them much rounder than Mike. Hell, he wasn't even making them fuzzy. He was making them sticky. And that fucker still has a job. Now how am I going to pay my bills? I hired Sigfried & Roy to perform at my birthday party next week. They're gonna be real upset when they learn they're not getting paid. I'm sure Steve Irwin wont mind though. He seems like a good guy. And he loves hunting those crocs. He'll be happy to perform. Same with Pauly Shore. He's used to not making any money these days.
I was at a concert last night, Captain Deadbeard won some free tickets. It was one of those hair band revisited shows that they're always trying to push on you. It's like, that shit always sucked. Why they hell would we want to hear it again? But Deadbeard likes to win radio contests, so we were in the audience punching faces and stomachs last night at the Faster Pussycat show. The Captain drank a little too much and ended up getting arrested. I haven't heard from him yet. Maybe I wont have to for a week, we'll see. On the way out I heard some dirty looking cock rocker talkin to another about this pirate he say getting beat down with knight sticks. I'm thinking he's probably talking about the same pirate I am. Heh. Hey maybe the Red Ninja will save him. haha.