HOME- PHOTO ALBUM-DIARY


05-28-00

Plays are really boring and pretty fruity, but if you ever get stuck going to one, which you probably eventually will, here's a fun thing to do: Usually in a play at least one person will stumble a line or forget a line somewhere. As soon as you suspect it happened quickly yell "MESSED UP!" Make sure you yell it loud enough so the whole place can hear. Especially the person that messed up, you want them to know you noticed. Make them regret it. You paid for your ticket, you don't need this crap. I don't care if this is a high school production (which it was the other day when I went.) Some kid started stuttering, and just before he could correct himself I yelled "MESSED UP!" It was great. Then if they come back on stage later in the show, its fun to yell "That's the one that messed up!!"

05-25-00

I'm delivering pizzas now for the local pizza place. If I don't get the pizzas to the house in 30 minutes or less they are SUPPOSED to get their pizza free. The other day I was at the 29 minute mark and I was still at home watching a movie… I called the guy up and told him he can't have his pizza because there's been a freak pizza accident and the town's supply of pizza is GONE. I told him there was a "Fat Riot" down in the town center, and the pizza place got hit the worst… And the bakery might have to close down shop. It was awful. Yesterday I delivered a pizza to this house and a big tub of a man opened the door. When I saw how excited he was to FINALLY get his pizza after 24 long minutes I said to him "Oh, I'm sorry sir. Had we known you had a weight problem we never would have agreed to deliver this tasty pizza. New policy, we won't support fatso addictions." He dropped his ice cream and almost started crying. Then he pulled a donut out of his pocket and ran back into the house. Food places always have myths that go around, like there's always some bastard that says "My uncle found a mouse in his burger" who you know is full of shit. Since mice probably never really do get into the food, I sometimes like to put them in it. I tucked one mouse I found behind a pizza oven under the cheese of a slice last week. But I delivered it to the fat guy's house so we didn't get any complaints. They never complain about food. I got a little frustrated that my efforts were going unnoticed, so yesterday I put a dead bird on somebody's pizza. I found it in their driveway. I had to step on it first (so that the pizza box would close all the way.)

05-22-00

I saw a midget at the supermarket today. They don't like answering midget questions. I asked him if he had any midget friends, and when the circus is coming to town. I told him all about what happened the last time I went to the circus, how one of the midgets was eaten by a tiger. I told him that I felt bad about that and I'm sorry. He didn't seem all that concerned. I guess he got over it. I told him "You guys are going to have to get better at your tricks and midget-pranks if you ever want to upstage the clowns, because those clowns are funny, a lot funnier than you midgets." He wouldn't tell me what his name was so I just called him Sprout. He was trying to buy some Cap'n Crunch. I guess that's what midgets are eating these days because he bought two boxes. I asked him if he could come over my house later to do some midget-stunts and if he could bring along his pal, the dancing bear. I hope he comes over. It would be great if he could stay at my place because my dog Stinky McShits really needs a little pal. I never bother with him… And there's plenty of room in the pen for the dog and Sprout. I can build a little bunk bed and decorate the dog pen with a new Circus Theme. Sprout will love it.

05-18-00

The garbage men stopped picking up in front of my house again. They do this every now and then, it's their way of saying they are assholes. Every couple of months they pull this crap, so I end up having to bury my garbage. I usually bury it all in my neighbor Bob's backyard. Like this week I had to bury three-hundred pounds of dead fish. I planned on selling them because I got the fish REAL cheap (you wouldn't pass it up either) but the plan didn't work out, so that was kind of a waste of money. I buried it all in the middle of the night, and I did it real quietly so Bob and the G. family didn't wake up. I'm sure Bob is wondering why his backyard smells like dead fish, but I doubt he's crafty enough to start digging. He'll just have to endure it for however long it takes to go away, I don't know. I'm not a dead fish expert. I'm just failed fish business man. I, like many others, saw the too-good-to-be-true appeal of the fish selling business, and I, like many others, ended up burying hundreds of pounds of dead, unsold fish. I tried to think of other ways of making my money back, but people wont buy boxes of dead fish. They will however buy "Mystery Surprise Boxes" wrapped up with bows and ribbons. I had a "Mothers Day Sale" on the street corner yesterday, I sold 4 boxes, all filled to the brim. I still didn't sell enough to make a profit. Next time I'm going to take Robot Ron's advice and invest all of the money into Fighter Monkeys and battle gear.

05-15-00

Me and my friend Bruce found one of those "Have You Seen Me" children the other day. They want him back but we're holding out for more money than they want to "reward" us with. We caught him at the park trying to play on the swings so we grabbed him and put him in a bag. We're pretty sure he's the kid they are looking for, he's got blonde hair and a snotty nose, just like the kid on the milk carton Bruce had yesterday. Right now the kid is still in the bag in the back of Bruce's car. Bruce was all pissed off the other night because he had to buy the kid dinner (we haven't fed him in a few days) so Bruce bought him a Twix. There was two twixes though, so Bruce ate one also. He almost ate both, but then he remembered he had to give that kid one, so he stopped eating the second one. We figured the kid was probably bored and lonely so we caught him a pet to keep him company in that bag. We found a dirty cat down by the brook near my house, so we threw that into the bag also. We're planning on making it like a package deal, the boy and the cat. We're calling it the "Grab Bag" deal. If that deal appeals to you, make us an offer. And hurry up, we think the cat went to the bathroom in the bag and it smells really bad.

05-10-00

I had to do some community service this weekend. It was my sentence for buying beer for a bunch of sixth graders a few weeks backs. They said they'd give me seven dollars, which I'm yet to receive. I'm about to call their parents and demand the money. Those drunk kids aren't going to put one past Robot Frank. So as my community service I had to go pick up trash on the side of Interstate 111. There wasn't as much garbage as there was dead animals. I collected 17 raccoons, all of which I put into a box (labeled "Raccoons") and then left in front of a day-care center. I also found a deer, and the head of some other deer that I guess ran away because I couldn't find the rest of it. I found 2 dead cats, which I'm going to keep in case I see any of those "Reward" signs. Whenever I return a lost pet I like to negotiate for the reward money. One time I talked somebody all the way up to $370, then I handed him his family's dead cat (which was painted green because Robot Ron got a hold of it a few days earlier and wanted to make it more "magical.") He looked at me funny, like he might have wanted his money back, so I ran away real quick and hopped into a bush where I stayed until sunset, waiting for my perfect chance to make an escape. $370 dollars richer.

05-08-00

Today was going to be the grand opening of the Science Museum down in town, but I burned it down last night so they had to cancel. I didn't mean to burn it down, I was just trying to burn a little bit of it but it got out of hand and I ran away. Tonight there's going to be some big concert down at the county center. I think its like "Stars of Yesterday" night (because those are the only stars our county can afford.) I think David Lee Roth is headlining. I'm going to throw stuff at his head. The goal is to knock him out, or at least off the stage. One time the county center booked The Harlem Globetrotters, but they kept missing all their fancy shots so I beat them up after the show. They told me I should be a little more understanding but I told them there's no excuse for missing all those half court shots and continued delivering fists to stomachs.

05-02-00

Today I went to the mall and moved all the cars in the parking lot. I took all the cars from the "B" section and put them into the "F" section. Then I took all the cars from the "F" section and put them in a pile next to Sears. While I was doing it a little boy came up to me crying and asked me if I could help him find his mother. I looked at him and went "ARRRGGG!!!" and he ran away. He might have ran in front of a moving car, I heard a crash and then some sirens a few minutes later… I don't know, I don't care. While I was there Macys was having a 1 day-sale, so there was a real lot of women going in and out. I decided to stand outside the Macys entrance and punch people who wanted to shop… and when I got tired of punching I gave people Indian burns and charlie horses hard enough to break bones. The geniuses who worked there decided to send out "The Manager" to take care of the situation. I cut him a break, I only broke his left arm (which made him pass out, that wuss) then I tucked him under a jeepin the parking lot.