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One of my neighbors, The Thompsons, (up the street) had their big 50th Anniversary Party this past weekend. I didn't get an invitation, but you can't hold events on my street and not expect me to be there. That's ludicrous. What a fine party it was. I got to meet Old Man Thompson himself. He tried to shake my hand but I said "Oh no, I'd break your brittle bones! They would crumble! And how would that make me feel? Be a little bit more considerate..." He looked down and made a sad face. The face of realization. I laughed. He didn't. There was so many old people at the party. I've never seen so many heart attacks happen all in one place (3). 2 of them happened when I threw their rotten dog into the side of the house and yelled a lot of bad words, then threatened to kill all the people that were staring at me. 2 of them killed themselves anyway with their weak old-people hearts, givin' in real easily. I didn't even go near them. Crazy old people! Them and their crazy dying. Always at it... I usually try to be extra nice to old people, so that way they will remember their pal Robot Frank when it comes time to make up their will. I walk around talking about how great the Cadillac company is, figuring somebody there is bound to leave me one. Old people stock pile those things. I didn't stick around the party too long though because I hate the smells of Ben-Gay and Poly-Dent. And I hate Betty White. Even though she wasn't there... But there was lots of old ladies and they just remind me of her, so I had to leave.
Me and Robot Ron went Parking Lot Bowling today. We were going to go deer hunting but last time we did that we got in trouble because they said we were too close the Elementary School playground (even though we were aiming in the other direction. Those dumb fuckers...) Parking Lot Bowling is kind of fun though... It's a game we like to play every now and then in the Wal-Mart parking lot. There's no real point system, we just award points based upon how much we enjoyed the effects/damage of the bowl. Like I got 40 points for toppling over an old lady. Robot Ron got 150 points for crushing her dog (that she had dressed up in a little sweater, hence the 50 bonus points.) Obviously a much more valuable roll. Today Robot Ron got real angry because I wouldn't award him any points for knocking down a fat guy (Big points in our book. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.) I said it didn't count because he threw the ball at the man, which makes it much easier to knock them down. Totally unfair. Any bum off the street could do that. You have to roll it at them. My highlight of the day was when I missed the kid in the wheelchair, but to avoid it he threw himself in front of a delivery truck. Ron said that was worth zero points. We got into a big fight, I ended up throwing him into the Wal-Mart outdoor floral section. He crushed their whole garden gnome display (so I took off and hid behind a jeep.) When I saw him again later that day he was wearing one of those gay-ass Wal-Mart vests. I hope they made him a "greeter". Those people are worthless. All the Wal-Mart Greeters should be put on a boat, then somebody should sink it.
I was at the gas station yesterday when Bob G. pulls in. He fills his Explorer with Premium Grade gasoline. It really makes me feel like shit when he looks over and sees me sucking down the cheapest grade I can find. When he went in to pay the man, I ran over and locked his doors on the inside. He was like "Oh golly, look what I've done." After a while he started to get real upset. I didn't want him to think it was me, so I watched from inside the beautiful Shell Station bushes. Hand sculpted. One man started yelling at Bob because he was holding up the line to get gas. When Bob was yelling back it really sounded like he was almost crying. I didn't stick around to see what happened, I walked back home. On the way back, on all the uphill streets, I released all the e-brakes on unlocked cars I could find. People should be more responsible, really. There's asshole robots out there with nothing better to do.
I got an e-mail from Robot Ron this morning.
To: ROBBOT FRANK
From: ROBOT RON!!
HELLO IT IS ME ROBOT RON AND I MA BACK AT HOME!!!! I AM HOME NOW SO I DID NOT DIE EVEN THOUGH THAT IS WHAT YOU TOLD ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I SAW. THEY SAID THAT YOU SAID IT IS GOOD BECAUSE NOW THERE ARE NO MORE STUPID ROBOTS. PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND THEY ALWAYS TRY TO TRICK ME BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND RIGHT! HAHA. I WAS STUCK IN A WELL. FOR 11 DAYS AND I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO SO I WAS TALKING TO ALL THE LITTLE GIRLS THAT WERE STUCK IN THE WELL BEACUSE THERE WAS SO MANY. I GOT OUT THOUGH BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE PIPES LIKE IN MARIO.
AND I WAS IN CANADA I HAD TO FIGHT SOME MOOSE. THE COPS BORKE IT UP THOUGH. BUT I WOULD NOT LISTEN TO THE COPS BECAUSE I SAID IN CANADA I ONLY LISTEN TO THE MOUNTIES! ALSO I WENT TO BE ON THE OLIMPICS. BUT I DID NOT WIN EVEN THOUGH I SAID I DID. CHINA WON. THEY ALWAYS DO BECAUSE THEY INVENTED PING PONG OR THEY HAVE PROTIEN DRINKS I THINK AND THEY ARE MAD IN THE HEAD (FOR PING PONG). I PLAYED LIKE A MACHINE THOUGH AND I PUNCHED OUT LITHOOANIA WHEN I WAS LOSING. THEY LET ME PLAY THOUGH BECAUSE THEY SAY I AM TEMPORY INSANE AND THAT MEANS YOU CAN DO ANYTHING OR SOMETHING. I DID NOT SEE THE RED NINJA. IS SEA CAPTAIN DEADBEARD STILL ALIVE? I DONT CARE I WAS JUST WONDERING. IF HE IS THEN WE SHOULD BEAT UP POEPLE AT THE MALL THAT ARE WEARING TOO MUCH YELLOW LIKE WE DID LAST TIME. I HAVE TO GO NOW BYE ROBOT FRANK.
I've been spending the past two weeks counting ballots down in Florida. They actually called me up for that, asked if I wanted to. Robots get offered all sorts of work, for efficiency reasons. I just burned down half of Bob G's new addition to his house that he just finished over the weekend and I knew he'd have the cops after me, so this gave me a good opportunity to skip town for a little while. I had to count hundreds of ballets, most of which came from backwood swamp towns where people had trouble spelling the candidates names correctly, or even knew who was running. There was at least 40 votes for Bob Gore. And something you may or may not know; Every election, Pee-Wee Herman finishes in the top ten. He actually beat the shit out of Perot a few years back. I voted for Tony Danza by the way. Even though for the past few weeks I've been rallying for Regis Philbin or Bronson Pinchot.