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Today is Halloween. Which means tonight I won't be the only one busting mailboxes and lighting shit on fire. And better yet, tonight I get to blame all my acts on children. Last year a police man arrested some little fat 12 year old because he lit the McDoogle's shed on fire. Even though he was actually trying to put it out with his jacket after told him I was going to burn it down and blame him. Later tonight, Trick or Treaters are going to be coming to my door. I give them each 2 pennies and tell them to be on their way. If they are collecting for UNICEF, I steal the box and slam the door. I also like to run around the streets and steal all the children's candy. They love their candy. That is why I steal it and feed it to my neighbor's dog. Bob G's dog gets real sick after eating all the Halloween candy, but boy does he love it. His favorite are twix, followed by butterfingers. When it's not Halloween, I feed him garbage. Just to see what he will eat. He ate a dead kitten once. Maybe this year I will give the children garbage. One of them is bound to eat something, theres at least 5 little fat kids that get off the bus down my street everyday. I know they're around. And hungry. Free snacks night is better than Christmas for many of them.
I was playing with my paintball gun on my front lawn again, firing shots at random. I shot Mr. Peterson, one of my neighbors, right in the eye. Those things have like eye-radar on them or something, I'm tellin' 'ya. Whenever somebody gets shot with anything it's always in the eye. He was out getting his paper. I saw him bending down to pick it up, I GUESS I pulled the trigger, I don't remember. Next thing I know he's rolling around like a dumb bastard on his front lawn gripping his face and kicking his legs. After watching and laughing for a few minutes I went over to bust his chops. Boy was he angry. He was yelling some shit along the lines of "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE AGAIN!!" I told him to shut up, and that he should go out and get one of those eye dogs that like to look where you're going and read the paper for you and watch your television and baby-sit the kids and just whatever, I don't know. Then I asked him if he got one of those dogs, if I could borrow it for secret missions that would require smart dogs. He said no way, and that he's going to take my ass to court. I hope we go to Judge Mills Lane. I'm sure he'd get a real kick out this one. Mr. Peterson stutters when he talks so me and the Judge would probably laugh a real lot during the trial, and make fun of his speech impediment. Then we'd probably kick his ass and throw him in jail so that he can get butt-raped. That's how Judge Mills Lane usually ends I think. The Judge says "I sentence you to 3 days in prison, which comes out to at least 2 butt-rapes. You hear that son? My buddy Mike Tyson is going to rape you in the butt!"
I went to court today. To THE PEOPLE'S COURT. No, it was just some regular court that I got taken to for running over somebody's cat then not telling them. Did you know that's a law? I aim for cats. And sometimes even little children if they are not accompanied by an adult. Well in this court case Judge Stick-up-my-ass said I have to do some more community service, which means back to the streets pretending to clean up garbage while I actually just hang out behind some trees and throw stuff out onto the highway every now and then. There's so much garbage they can't tell who cleaned and who didn't. I encourage littering. You hear that mom's? Robot Frank says YES to littering!! It's the COOLEST thing there is!! Go piss in your house kids, it's cool with Robot Frank.
Bob G's already planning his next big backyard BBQ. He didn't send me an invitation, but Ron and Sea Captain Deadbeard each got one. I don't want to go to that crap anyway. But Sea Captain Deadbeard is trying to talk him into renting one of those velcro walls that you throw midgets at. Bob G's still mad at me ever since he found out I was the one sneaking chipmunks into his house all the time. He still didn't say anything about the rats or the snake. I was really hoping one day one of that jerk's dumb children would wake up to a snake eating a rat on his bed. ... There still may come a day.
So I had and lost another job this weekend. I just don't know what my problem is, I can't hold a job for more than two hours. I can probably list over a hundred jobs I've had, but I can't put a single one down as a job reference. My newest career failure was as a "spook" along the trail of the Haunted Hayride from Hell. I was "The Crazy Chainsaw Robot". There wasn't actually a blade on the chainsaw, it just made the noises. My job was to chase the hayride around, swinging the chainsaw around in the air, scaring the people with my insane robot antics. They said to swing it close enough to "give the kids a spook". Well it was really dark out and the kids were sticking their faces out too far... I smacked like 6 kids across the face with it. Then some asshole attacked me so I picked him up over my head and threw him deep into the woods. Almost everyone on the ride got off and ran in different directions. I didn't know what to do, so I just chased children (because its my job to be a "spook"). One kid ran right into a tree. Dumbass wasn't looking where he was going I guess. He didn't get up after a few minutes so I went and chased some other kid. We ran all the way to the freeway. He made it across somehow. I didn't want to risk it. I'm not that stupid. So I tried to trick that kid into coming back across. I said "C'mer kid. I'm not gonna hurt you. I want to be your friend." But he just kept on running. I didn't go back to the hayrides. There was police and crap up there, so I just went home. I still have to go get my paycheck though, I hate doing that...
Rock Star Bruce almost went to jail again. Remember back when Milli Vanilli went and passed out in some people's house and they kicked his ass with a baseball bat? And when the exact same thing happened to Robert Downey Jr.? That happened to Bruce yesterday. He decided to start partying the night away at 2pm and then sometime around 10 he forgot where he was and he broke into some people's house. According to local gossip, the guy who lived there found him asleep on the kitchen floor. The refrigerator door was open and there was bagel bites in the oven (and all over the floor). When he woke him up Bruce ran into the living room and started stumbling all over shit. I heard he yelled "I'm gonna piss on the television because I'm a ROCKSTAR AND I DON'T CARE!" just before the dude punched him in the head (and tossed him the hell away from the TV). Bruce yelled "I'M gonna Get a LAWYER! I'M JOHNNY COCHRANE! And this is BULLSHIT, Geraldo!!" then he puked on himself and got his ass kicked some more. He would have been arrested but he somehow managed to run away before police showed up. People have to understand that this is how rockstars live, and to disturb them messes up their fragile eco-system of checks and balances or whatever.
I'm gonna go bust into Bob G's house and break his shit! His damn kids have been playing their Raffi CDs outside all fuckin day and I'm sick of it! I think Bob G. gets those Raffi CDs for free because he's a friend of the family. Bob's brother, Kenny, knows Raffi pretty well I think. They throw big gay parties together on weekends probably. One time at the big Bob G. "Backyard Country Picnic" (isn't that gay?) Raffi showed up. Bob asked, "Please Frank. Please don't cause any trouble. I wan't impress Raffi." So I said "Impress Raffi my ass!!" and I pushed Bob onto the ground then ran over and punched Raffi in the face as he was singing to all the neighborhood children (about swans and elephants or some shit). Some of the kids were like "Hell yeah! Raffi sucks, that motherfucker!" so I turned around and gave 'em the thumbs up, then continued pummeling Raffi. One little girl said "Why are you hurting Raffi, Mr. Robot?" so I said "If you don't shut up, you and Raffi are gonna have a lot in common!" Then I dragged Raffi up and said to him "Now you stop singing this crap to these poor children! You are making them gay! I hold you personally responsible for half of the gay community!" Then I socked him in the stomach. "Now you better fix yourself up, and quick!" Then I dropped him on the ground and he puked in some little girls hair. It was the best. She kicked him in the face for that. After I told her to, of course. Raffi sucks. I heard he doesn't even really like children, he just likes money. I believe it too, because at the Backyard Picnic I saw him smack some little girl because she cut him on line for the 6ft. wedge.