HOME- PHOTO ALBUM- DIARY
This lady keeps calling me up. She paid me to walk her dog and while I was walking it it got off its leash and made a bee-line straight for the busy freeway. I think it must have just hated that woman so much that it was just waiting for the chance to do that. I think they probably beat their dog or something because it always knew when i was about to kick it...
One of my neighbors, John McDoogle, got arrested. Appearently, he's been hiding cows in his basement. As they were carting him way in handcuffs I let loose and I ran up to him and said "You son of a bitch! You fucking son of a bitch!" as I pounded him down into the ground. The poice waited for me to stop, then they threw him in the back of the car. Fucking McDoogles. Last year one of their wierdo kids got locked in JC Penny overnight. He ended up loosing his mind and they had to send him to fuck-up-kid camp forever. They said when they found him he was behind the perfume counter drenched in free samples and he needed to be towelled down.
As some of you may know, Robot Ron has been deported to Canada. This happened a few weeks ago. Since then he has apearently hooked up with the Canadian Ping Pong team and is now going for the gold in Australia. I looked all through the TV guide to see when they were going to air the ping-pong games and I guess NBC doesn't give a shit about them or something. These people work really hard to be the best in the world at the game they were born to play, but NBC must think nothing of the lives of these people and their families. Is it so much to ask to give them at least a highlight reel on the 4am news? Thank god for our friends down at the Telemundo network. They know how to keep their viewers happy. They are airing the ping-pong games at 1 AM on the nights of the matches. You just have to turn down the volume, unless you want to hear that guy scream some crazy-talk that nobody understands but him the people that own working televisions in that country. Robot Ron played Achmad Schiel on Thursday night. After 2 sets half of Sydney was chanting !! GO ROBOT RON !! GO ROBOT RON !! Or at least Robot Ron and the people in the stadium. Later on this week he takes on some guy from Turkey. Word on the street is Turkey sucks at ping-pong. I heard they dance with fish before every game and then kill themselves if they are losing by more than 4 points or something like that, for the honor of their ancestors or something. Each country has different ping-pong rituals I guess. Canadians just smoke pot and get their medals taken away from them.
Some of my day: 9:00 AM - The dumb bitch next door fell down her stairs leaving for work. She tripped on her cat, it was the best. She dropped her baby on the ground. I love when that happens. I have a compilation tape that I made, it's called "The Best of People Dropping Their Babies." I even put a laugh track on it, it rocks.
9:15 AM - Not much going on right now. Some lady… no, you already heard about that. Nevermind.
9:16 AM - Oh yeah, The UPS Truck just drove by. They don't have doors on their trucks so I like to try to come up with different ways of knocking them out of the truck. I did it once back in the day, I've been trying to recreate that feeling of accomplishment ever since. They drive really fast past my house now. I shot him in the head with a potato cannon last week, but he hung onto the wheel and only halfway fell out, which doesn't count. One time I tricked him by mailing him a letter that said he won The Prestigious UPS Man of the Year Award and when he came to my house to accept it, I punched him in the nuts. I said "Here's your award pal" then I socked him a good one. "Congratulations." The next day I got a letter from the UPS Men of America, but all it was, was some long, boring, drawn out sob story about all the problems the UPS Men of America have had to deal with. Like I give a shit.
10:28 AM - Did George Foreman actually MAKE the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat
Grilling Machine? I'm having a hard time believing he did. He's good at punching faces,
but I really doubt he sat in his basement tinkering away at the perfect grill. "Mmm.. This
is a tasty burger, but I think I could adjust the manual combobulator to reduce the fat
glucose intake of the manifold overdrive hamburger deterioration valve of PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH
PUNCH YO LIGHTS OUT FOOL!" I'm sure he eats lots of hamburgers, that's not whats being questioned here... I just think there's a good
chance he doesn't even know how to turn his own grill on. He has people to do that kind of
crap for him. What made him decide he didn't have enough money saved from years of
pounding the crap out of faces that he needed to start pimping household appliances? "I
got punched in the head a few thousand times. That means now it's time to start selling
grills. Next year I'm going to sell dog houses and cracker jacks prize display cases,
cause I'm the champ. Clean my patio! Nobody ever cleans my patio, I CANT REMEMBER the last
time somebody cleaned my patio you lazy sons-a-bitches that are probably eating hamburgers
with twice the fat as the Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. I need my hamburgers with no fat
and lotsa love like only the champ can do best. Oooooh this is a tasty-love-burger. For the
champ. I'm the champ. Of hamburgers AND punching faces. You FIND me a better burger making
face puncher and I'll knock his lights out and sample his burger and not like it as much as
my own. You'll see. I'm gonna punch you so hard you'll be runnin' around like a midget
with it's head cut off!"|
11:45 PM - Okay, I'm finally done writing about George Foreman. What a bunch of crap that was.
2:22 PM - I was down in town shopping when all of a sudden it starts raining. I quickly go inside (like I'm supposed to, being a non-water-proof robot) and I look outside and I see this robot out in the parking lot that didn't make it in. Rain was pouring down hard on top of him. Sparks were flying out of his head, black smoke was coming out of his panels. There was nothing that could be done. He fell to his knees and looked straight at me, standing inside, dry. That robot didn't make it... Yet I live to see another day.
7:94 PM - This day sucked. There was supposed to be a tornado coming through here, but it went for the trailer park 3 miles over instead. That's a real load of crap. I remember one time I got caught in a tornado and for 4 minutes I got to fly around like superman. I was catching crap in the air and throwing it at the people on the ground. I hit some kid in the face with a milk crate, it was the best! THE BEST! I ended up smashing through some people's window and onto their couch. They were like "What the hell?!" so I knocked over all the stuff in their house then ran out the door.
I was hanging out down at the Bed & Breakfast last night. There's lots of empty hallways to run around, doors to knock on and places to jump out from behind. I like to hide under the maid-carts that people always steal from. I just draped a sheet over the thing. If anyone tried to take a towel or some extra shower caps I'd break their leg. There was 7 people with broken legs on the 4th floor alone last night. Some of them had stepped-on faces too. But I didn't do that. I made some other guy do it. Last week there was a sick horse down at the farm so I brought it to the hotel to try and save it. I left it on the bed. I think it was dying. I hid it under the covers. Actually, I made a little fort for it out of pillows and cushions. I left it under there. I also made a mask for it out of a paper plate and some yarn. It was a cowboy, it was pretty cool I think. We we're gonna play Bonanza. The horse was being an asshole, so I just played "County Sheriff" in the parking lot by myself. That game involves beating people up in the parking lot. The objective is to beat up all the people you see and then take their money. I won. Oh, and extra credit is given if you throw them into rivers, lakes or traffic. I made that rule up while I was playing. I think I'll follow it from now on. That's a fun game. But it's not nearly as fun as "Midgets and Crocodiles", the game where you have to catch midgets and feed them to crocodiles. Me and Robot Ron used to have hours of fun playing that one. And the crocodiles love it too, so nobody is really hurt by it. Midgets are so hard to find, they hide in the littlest places. You always gotta check twice. When they curl up into little balls, they can fit into places you didn't know existed. One time one of them was hiding in a garbage can and he didn't know I knew. I locked the lid on. He got thrown out the next morning. Haha, I didn't fall for THAT midget prank! You crazy midgets… What will they think of next?
I was hanging out at the train station last night. I had nothing better to do. Boredom leads to crime, and I'm an extremely bored robot. Whenever I hang out at the train station, I just walk around the parking lot stealing lug nuts and gas caps. That really pisses people off, I'm sure. I don't really need the gas caps. Honestly, I just throw them at the train as it passes, I got nothing better than that to do with them. I aim for the conductor windows. If I can sink one, that's like bonus points for me. But I guess it's just a little mental game I have with myself. It's not like I ever got the train to crash or anything. I did get one guy to fall off the platform. He was standing on the yellow line and there's even a sign that says not to do that. I threw a sack of potatoes at him, which I stole from a farmer named Dave. He wouldn't let me take them, even after I said I was going to enter them in a contest (because farmers love that stupid shit) so I had to steal them like a thief in the night. Or like a ninja, whichever you'd prefer.
Today there was nothing important to do. Robot Ron's currently abandoned friend, Sea Captain Deadbeard, asked if I wanted to go fishing the high seas (Turtle Rock Lake, down the road). I was bored so I said fine. When we got onto the water the Captain really flipped his lid. He had this like High Seas fire in his eyes. He didn't want to fish at all. He wanted to use my boat to go kick ass out on the lake. We tipped over and looted every fucking row boat, canoe or paddle boat there was on the lake. The Captain even took down 2 jet skis. Don't ask me how, but he did. Then he beat the shit out of the guys driving them. He can fight like a mofo. I wasn't too into the dumb tip-over row boat idea at first, but when we started beating people out on the boats, I was really enjoying myself. It was a good time, a real happy time for me. I think doing things like that is real good for the soul. By the end of the day I was kicking more ass then the PITTSBURGH Pirates (PITTSBURGH!! YEAH!! WOOO-HOOO!! That ones for you, Pittsburgh!!) I was fighting with the intensity of a pirate on the 18th hole of mini-golf. We even tipped over the fat lady that lives down the street. I threw a cinnamon cruller like 3 feet next to her boat. I just let temptation and gravity take over from there. I'm sure she knew the odds of tipping. She was just willing to put it all on the line for Mr. Enteman's and his tasty snacks.
I got a letter in the mail from Robot Ron yesterday. He was deported to Canada like two weeks ago. I guess somebody has been letting him use their computer. This is what he had to say:
DEAR ROBOT FRANK
HELLO. I am ROBOT RON! I AM IN CANADA RIGHT NOW. I MET A MEAT BEAR. I COULD TELL HE WAS SO HUNGRY BECAUSE HE WAS BITING THE PEOPLE THAT I SHOWED HIM TO. I GOT HIM FROM THE CANADA ZOO. THEY HAVE LOTS OF ANIMALS LIKE BEARS AND MOOSES AND MONSTER FISH AND I THINK DINOSAURS MAYBE TOO BUT I DONT REMEMBER THAT GOOD. BUT NO MONKEYS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED IN CANADA. I SAID HOW COME AND THE MAN AT THE ZOO SAID BECAUSE MONKEYS ARE SMART AND THEY MIGHT TAKE OVER CANADA AND CANADA IS TO SCARED. I AM SCARED TO. I TRIED TO PET THE MOOSE BUT HE TRIED TO DO THE MOOSE ATTACK AT ME. SO I WILL FIGHT HIM AT 3 OCLOCK. HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO BRING HIS FRIENDS BECAUSE MOOSES ALWAYS DO THAT. IF I WIN THERE WILL BE NO MORE MOOSES BUT IF HE WINS THEN THERE WILL BE NO MORE ROBOTS. WE MADE A DEAL. (DONT WORRY ROBOT FRANK I WILL WIN.) THEN WE MADE ANOTHER DEAL THAT IF I WIN THERE WILL BE NO MORE MOOSES OR SNAKES ALSO AND IF HE WINS THERE WILL BE NO MORE ROBOTS OR PEOPLE. SO IT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT FIGHT. I HOPE I WIN. I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A GARAGE AND IT IS BORING. I LIKE TO TRAP CATS IN THE GARAGE. I HAVE 50 SO FAR AND I AM GOING TO SELL THEM FOR MONEY. TO RUSSIA. THEY DON'T HAVE ANY CATS SO I WILL BE A BIG HELPER FOR THEM BECAUSE ALL THE PEOPLE IN CHINA ATE ALL THEIR CATS AND IT IS VERY SAD :*( CHINA WANTS TO BUY MY CATS ALSO BUT IT IS A TRICK AND THEY JUST WANT TO EAT MY CATS IN THEIR DINNER. THEY SAY "I LIKE TO EAT CATS EVEN THE BRAINS BECAUSE IT IS TASTY TO US!!!!!!" THEY ARE WIERDOS. I BET THEY EAT PANDA BEARS AND KANGAROOS TOO. HAHA. HAHAHAHA. I AM JUST KIDDING ROBOT FRANK. I WAS TELLING A JOKE. DID YOU GET IT? I DO NOT NO WHEN I AM GOING HOME BUT I AM GOING ON A TRAIN RIDE TO ENGLAND FOR FOR BUSINESS TRIP NEXT WEEK SO IT WILL BE FUN THERE AND I WILL MEET THE KING. WE WILL FEAST ON BURGERS. BYE ROBOT FRANK. DONT DIE. OK BYE. P.S. I THINK I GOT RUST MYTES BECAUSE IT IS ITCHING IN MY HEAD AND I DONT NO WHAT TO DO BUT THEY ARE EATING THE CIRCUITS I THINK. IT IS HARD FOR ME TO USE MY MEMORY NOW BUT THAT IS OK. BYE.